#whatever. peace and love my beautiful friends i need to be online less but I’ve been here so much because [loud car passes by and you can’t

[acebytaemin]

b the way before i go sleep. I’ve come around on han i like him now

[thefanficmonster]

Never Satisfied [Chapter 3]

Corpse Husband x Original Female Character

Warnings: Language

A collaboration between Vy & Ashens 🖤

“I can’t tell if this is a date or a debt collection“

“So where do you want to eat?” Corpse murmurs, sitting in the same car with the same girl he’d been in only a few days ago. His seatbelt clicks and he tilts his head to peer at her from his peripheral vision. She’s buckling up and getting settled in the passenger seat where no one but her has sat in for months. His cheeks turn pink when she turns to look at him, catching him staring which brings a grin to her face. 

“I’m buying you food, bud, you pick.” She answers simply, leaning back in the old seat. 

Corpse sits frozen for a minute or two as he contemplates what the best option would be. 

Nowhere? Could I get away with that though? 

His anxiety is starting to creep up again - the dark demon of his existence. The everpresent rain cloud over the parade of his life. 

What if I make myself look like an idiot. What if I picked something she doesn’t like? Would she think I’m weird? What if whatever I get makes me sick and I end up embarrassing myself! 

Wait, she’s a klepto. What if she robs me?!

“If you can’t think of a place, there’s a little bistro about ten minutes down West Colt avenue that has some pretty bangin’ Greek food.” She suggests calmly, taking his silence as indecisiveness. She’s good at picking up subtle cues, he’s thankful for that. She seems to easily be able to get along with anyone despite her wild personality. She may have a wild spirit, but she’s got the ability to tame it when needed. She’s the only one with that power from what it seems. 

Corpse takes a moment, nods and puts his car into drive to head in the directions she mentioned.

He isn’t completely sure how she’s perceived his indecisiveness though, which is bothering him - was she annoyed by it and wanted to put an end to it or was she just trying to be helpful and prevent him from getting himself worked up? His mind spirals so easily, he hates it. Even in a calm and casual - ok, as casual as it’s gonna get with this girl - scenario, his head is spinning with nothing but the worst outcomes and possibilities. That’s anxiety for ya, it’s a fucking bitch. Either way he appreciates her stepping in like that, saved him quite the bus load of anxious pondering, so the least he can do is offer her a quick smile. 

Don’t make it weird, Corpse!, he scolds himself.

She’s looking out the passenger side window, fingers tapping calmly and rhythmically against her knee, seemingly not bothered by the loud silence in the vehicle. He, however, is not so at peace with it. He’s usually the one to enjoy silences, unless he finds himself in these kinds of situations - in-closed space with another person. He tries to ask himself what would other people do to put an end to the quiet that feels almost like a physical presence. Small talk? That’s one thing he’s never been good at. Music? That’s the key here, however he can’t be sure how to properly use it to his advantage. He can’t just play whatever and expect it to be fine. He appreciates taste in people - he knows he’d be mildly offended if people didn’t respect his taste, that’s why he always pays attention to the favors of others. Especially when it comes to music. 

That’s why, before turning the car radio on, he pauses to ask: “What kind of m-“

“Anything. Really.” She says quickly, cutting him off mid-question before laughing in a certain way Corpse can’t quite place...nervously? Could that be it? That’s a sound he never expected he’d hear from her. Is that feeling even in her specter of emotions? Her? Nervous? - sounds more impossible than him being confident. 

 “Anything?” He’s curious now. She’s managed to intrigue him so easily. He smirks, switching from the radio over to the CD he has placed in the stereo. It’s a compilation of several bands he enjoys listening to, songs that help relax and soothe him. Bonus points for the effect they have on his anxiety - they always manage to suppress it even the slightest bit. Many of his favorites are on there, a lot of genre mixing as well: rap, punk, industrial. But there are also a few mellows on there, even a couple foreign songs that she might not have heard before. 

Much to his relief, a little glow appears in her eyes at the sound of the tunes that fill the car, burning brighter than the reflection of the midday sun that’s already present in them, “I’ve always loved music...haven’t found anything I don’t like.” She tells him, voice traveling softly as she closes her eyes for a moment before opening them and allowing her grin to widen, “So...my choker, huh? Thought it suited ya?”

Corpse laughs a little, low and timid as the car comes to a slow stop at a red light. “I thought it was mine, I swear.” He admits, shrugging slightly. “I go by a C name on the internet so…thought it was a product of my bullshit sentimentality or a shopping spree I can’t recall.” He swallows hard, contemplating whether mentioning he’s online was a bad move or not.

 Luckily, she doesn’t  seem to have acknowledged it, as she promptly speaks up again, “You do look good in a collar, you have that bad dog kind of vibe. If it didn’t have such sentimental value I would’ve let you keep it.” She laughs, a sound so light, almost like a glow you can see more than a voice you can hear. It’s contagious too and he can’t help but chuckle with her, blushing again. 

“You would look good in one too I bet.” He says but cringes right as the words leave his mouth. He’s quick to regret what he has said, his tongue burning with a bitter taste as he tightens his grip on the steering wheel and clenches his jaw. 

Fuck! Stupid! Stupid! Why the fuck would you say something like that?? She’s going to think you’re a fucking creepy pervert who’s imagin-

Corpse’s mental anguish is put to an abrupt pause as something warm covers the fingers of his right hand. He lets his tunnel vision focus on his hand to find hers curled over it. 

“Hey…you still with me?” She asks carefully, thumb touching one of his rings. “You don’t have to worry about offending me. It takes a lot to do that, if you can’t tell. Besides, you seem pretty cool and you’re not a narc so that’s a huge plus.” She squeezes his hand before wiggling her fingers under his palm and pulling it from the steering wheel so their fingers could intertwine. “If you need it, you can always grab my hand any time and squeeze until you don’t feel nervous. Although, you never need to be nervous around me. Consider me your personal human safety blanket. Or a….what to call it?... - A checkpoint! If everything or everyone else makes you anxious, I’m your checkpoint person where that anxiety should evaporate. Sounds good?”

Corpse stares at this literal stranger in his car. A stranger holding his hand and promising to be there for him when his anxiety overwhelms him. Letting him rely on her whenever his chest tightens or his heart speeds up. He feels so much while looking at the sight she is. Gratitude and confusion take over though. “Why would...you-..” He attempts to mutter, but she’s quick to cut him off yet again.

“Because I know what it’s like to be anxious and I wish I had somebody to help me when I was feeling that storm in me.” She replies, shrugging her shoulders with nonchalance and gives his palm another gentle and encouraging squeeze. “Even if this is a one time hang out sesh between strangers, you can count on me until we go our separate ways.” Confidence radiates from her like waves of warmth and safety. 

Her aura’s reaching out to his, offering him reassurance and comfort. And so, he decides to accept.

Corpse finally brings himself to squeeze her hand back. “-...thanks.” He murmurs, lips quirking up in a smile. 

But I don’t want this to be a one time thing…I might actually have a friend. I may have just clicked with someone like I haven’t in so long. 

She releases his hand so he could continue driving, nodding her head as if to tell him she’s still there despite the loss of contact, reassuring him that he could reestablish that contact whenever he’d like or need to. 

He now feels more comfortable in the car, more relaxed than he can even remember. Music plays from the speakers but it’s overpowered by their voices singing along to the songs they recognize. Corpse can’t help but note she sounds nice, singing like that - so carelessly. She’s by no means a Utada Hikaru, or a Mariah Carey but she knows how to hold a tune and he can appreciate that. He’s no BONES either after all.

He doesn’t want this drive to end, he doesn’t want this bubble of comfort and leisure to burst. He rarely gets the luxury of finding himself in a state like this one so peaceful yet so chaotic. So familiar despite him not having experienced it before. It all feels so natural despite how out of place it is. It’s so many things contradicting each other and it’s beautiful to him. It’s comfort, it’s happiness. It’s the absence of anxiety - a feeling he wants to enjoy for as long as possible. He has Cora to thank for this, for managing in less than a full day of knowing him what people who’ve known him for years haven’t been able to do. He’s aware that this is temporary, this car ride can’t last forever and neither can this outing. But he knows that when they step out of this car, when they leave this bubble, her hand will still be within his reach. And when this hang-out sesh is over, he’ll be able to make another one happen. There is always this big step of overcoming his anxiety he has to face whenever he wants to invite people within his proximity and in his life, but with her, that step disappears. It’s erased from existence by the simple touch of her fingers. The oddly powerful grip of her small, gentle hand. 

Corpse is not one to believe in fate, but there are some things that are inevitable. Things that are special and always happen with a reason and a message. He’s not blind either - he knows what he’s got here, with her, falls in that category of special.

@fockingwhore  @vixenl  @annshit  @wineandionysus

[tmnt-veelicious]

Across the Stars - Ch.17

*crawls out of a hole* HOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLYYYY FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-

Yes. I am alive.

Yes I had a rough patch of life over the last few months.

And jeeeeesus, I think I wrote the beginning of this chapter like 3 times....

BUT IT’S HERE. AND I’M SORRY IT HAS BEEN SO LONG. At least the next chapter will be interesting and will introduce some new characters!!! I am definitely feeling the writing juices flowing~

First Chapter -> HERE Previous Chapter -> HERE Next Chapter -> SOON

''I think this neighborhood suits you,'' started April as both women were comfortably seated at a table in a cozy café. Vee couldn't help her quiet chuckle, crossing her arms as her eyes ventured to the large window that offered a view to the street. ''I think it does too..., but I'll be so far from everything. Mostly far from Donnie. He's downtown and I'd be uptown...'' ''It's not so bad! You know these guys can travel fast and they know the city like no one else.'' True. A small sigh escaped the artist, her attention back to the other. She was glad the reporter had answered her call. Vee confessed feeling stupid for her sudden departure and her attitude, but April had been quick to waive those away, answering that all that mattered was that her friend was safe. The only thing left to do was to move forward. Harlem seemed like a nice place. It was mostly known for its nightlife and its jazz influences, to which Vee felt drawn to. Maybe she'd have opportunities up here, who knows? Her train of thoughts came to a stop as a waitress got to their table; a lovely african american woman adorning a dark afro like a crown. Vee did admire her style, noticing her septum piercing and her 'au naturel' look. It didn't seem like much, but so many people could ever inspire the artist, and that was the beauty of living in New York. As the orders were taken and the women left with coffees in hands, proper discussions could finally start. ''So...starting a family?'' started Vee. ''Since when were you two planning that little adventure?'' April's smile was soft: ''We were talking about it for several months, but only recently did we really start to properly consider it.'' ''Even with both your lifestyles? … You wouldn't be the most 'typical' and 'calm' family.'' ''I don't think that should stop us, or anyone. … It's something we both want, Vee, and we're ready to work for it.'' ''I'm not saying the opposite, don't worry!'' quickly reassured Vee. ''… I guess I'm just having a hard time wrapping my head around that idea. I never really thought about having kids, so the thought process kinda escapes me.'' ''Oh?'' the reporter slightly cocked her head to one side, curious. ''I don't want to say I'm surprised, but still am nonetheless.'' The other woman seemed amused: ''There's so many things I have yet to accomplish.... Getting a child is the least of my worries right now. I guess I just don't really feel compelled at the idea.'' ''In that case I can understand,'' added April with a soft smile. ''It's only natural that you'd want to advance your career and get more stability, I get that.'' The conversation paused as their food arrived. But as soon as both were left alone again, the reporter couldn't help squinting a little, now curious: ''Although.... do you think you could ever have kids with Donnie?'' Vee almost spat her coffee, her thoughts suddenly rolling at a franctic pace. She frowned, reminiscing all those times they had sex without any protection. ''I, uh... I'm not sure,'' frankly answered the artist. ''I've never really thought about it, but now that you mention it, I should verify with him.'' ''I think it'd be in both your interests to set things clear. At least you'll know where you both stand in this...'' ''Yeah … that's for sure.'' What if he wanted kids? Could it be possible? At least for now her cycle had been steady and normal, so there was no fear regarding that. And the relationship was still in its early stages – it was too soon to think about that! Oh, those thoughts would plague her mind for the rest of the day, she knew that...   ''Anyway, enough kid talk,'' said April, thankfully interrupting Vee's thinking. ''I wanted to discuss apartment and furniture with you.'' ''What, you wanna know how I'll decorate my fortress of solitude?'' playfully commented the artist. ''Oh come on now...'' ''Just kidding, just kidding, don't worry. What's on your mind?'' ''Since I'll be moving in with Casey and he pretty much already has everything in terms of furniture... I was thinking about giving you some of the stuff we have at the apartment. Fridge, oven, whatever you need.'' The artist lightly frowned. ''Wait... give? April, I can't just receive without giving in return. Tell me your price and I'll gladly give you so-'' ''Vee, please,'' gently cut the reporter. ''… I know I'm putting you in a difficult situation and things can turn expensive. I want to help in any way I can, plus you can always repay me in other ways. Don't worry about it. I've given it some thought and I'm at peace with that.'' And the artist was absolutey thankful. Knowing she didn't make the best of incomes, this help felt like a miracle. … Just thinking about all her future expenses was enough to make her head spin, but at least with Donnie's help – and now April – she knew she could get a good footing and proceed without immense struggles. ''Also,'' added April, ''I know you don't have the best of conversations with your parents regarding your choice of living in New York, so I wanted to ease things up by giving you a good headstart and make them less worried.'' Vee softly sighed, although showing a small smile. She knew the brunette had heard some bits and pieces of conversations ever since she moved in. Even if the dialogues had been in French, it was not hard to notice the argumentative nature of those calls. ''I, uhm … it's been almost a month since I spoke to any of them, so there's nothing to worry about for now,'' said Vee. ''Is everything alright?'' ''The less I talk to them, the better! So, yes, everything is fine,'' tried to reassure the artist. April seemed good with the answer, but there was no denying that for Vee to avoid her family, it would probably blow back to her face in a nasty way. But today was not the day to think about such matter. Breakfast done and over with, both women were now on their way to visit the apartments. The first one proved to be a complete disaster; mold found in the bathroom and under the kitchen sink, only two windows and barely any natural light coming in, a broken wardrobe door in the bedroom. The landlord didn't seem like the most caring person either, insisting that he'd get the needed repairs done once a new tenant would move in. ''Those things have a cost, you know?'' he would say. … And this apartment will be a hard pass, you know? Vee couldn't believe that she got fooled by the advertisment online. It seemed so nice... At least the second stop was promising. The lot was at the top floor of a five story high building. The entrance was a small hallway that had one door to the left which gave to the bedroom (with a window!), and a door to the right that gave to the bathroom. The end of the hallway gave to an open area to which the left part was planned for a living room, and the right had space for a kitchen, the area delimited by a side hall that gave enough surface for an extension of the counter tops. Some windows gave enough light into the place, as well as a nice view on the street and buildings around. Plus, the living room windows were tall and large enough, one being an entryway to the emergency staircase outside the building. It was perfect. *** Her step was light as she made her way back to the lair, the greatest grin plastered to her face. She did it! Well … almost! But it was at least a first step in the right direction. Her first point of interest when she arrived was Donnie's workspace, but she found it empty, instantly bringing a small frown on Vee's features. Maybe she should check the garage next? Her attention snapped when she heard a sharp sound – a can being opened. Turning around, she slightly jumped as she spotted Mikey nearby, an orange crush drink in his hand. '' 'Sup?'' ''Jesus, Mikey, you gave me a mini heart attack,'' she breathed out. ''Oops, my bad,'' he said, taking a sip. ''You lookin' for Don? He just got out on patrol with Raph.'' ''… Aren't you guys supposed to lay low for a while with the Purple Dragons and Foot Clan situation?'' The orange clad one shrugged: ''Going out on patrol doesn't mean we're looking for them, you know? We still gotta look out for the bad ones on the streets. Plus, going out in small numbers attracts less attention.'' ''Huh... touché,'' admitted Vee. ''I guess the good news can wait, then.'' ''What good news?'' The artist's grin was back: ''I might have found a new apartment! The landlord just needs to do a credit check and then, if it's all good, the place will be mine.'' The terrapin's smile was soon as big as Vee's: ''Yo! That's awesome! Where is it? How big is it?'' The woman didn't wast any time to grab a blank sheet of paper and a pencil laying around on Donnie's desk, already starting to sketch the layout of the apartment. Deep in her explanations, she did not notice Leonardo now standing near, trying to take a peek from behind. ''What's that?'' he asked. Vee slightly jumped again, already on the lookout for the leader. ''JEEZE, what's with you guys scaring me tonight?!'' Leo showed an amused smile, arms crossed before him as he took some pride in that comment. ''I'm an excellent ninja. Getting to scare you means I'm doing a good job.'' ''Alright, don't get too cocky.'' She briefly sighed, next bringing the paper to clearer view. ''Behold, this is probably my next apartment!'' The blue clad mutant took some seconds to observe the layout, pensive. ''… There's quite some windows in there. I'll have to get Donnie to secure the place so no one can spot you and get in.'' ''Leo! Chill!'' faintly laughed Vee. ''I don't even completely own the place yet. Plus I'll be on the fifth floor; I'd like to see anyone get in other than by the emergency staircase or the entry door.'' ''I'm sorry I am cursed with the leader plague. I always have to think many steps ahead.'' Vee's smile was soft: ''Don't worry, it's appreciated. But now it's time to celebrate! There's no place for worry tonight!'' ''Now we're talkin'!'' added Mikey playfully, rubbing his hands together. ''… Watchu wanna do?'' The artist left her paper back on her boyfriend's desk, a smug smile now showing on her features. ''Donnie and I do have a little secret stash of red wine, and I fully plan on going through one bottle tonight.'' ''Hell yeah!'' Mikey was now nudging his brother's arm with his elbow. ''Care for a drink as well? Come ooooonnnnnnnn.'' Leo was squinting, trying to appear severe, but it didn't take long for him to conceed with a grin, his posture relaxing. ''Alright. Just one.'' *** Vee was delightfully surprised to learn that Leo also had a taste for red wine, happily sharing her bottle with him – and of course he did take more than one drink. Meanwhile Mikey had opted for beer, some cans already resting in the fridge. It felt good to kick back and just be happy, living in the present and have no worries. But soon celebrations took an interesting turn, Vee definitely inspired by her luck and feeling a little bold. An idea came to her mind as Mikey was showing her some stuff he was hoarding, especially when it came to hair dye bottles. She had always wanted to try a new hair color... It didn't take long before everyone was set up: Vee sitting in a chair with a towel over her shoulders, hair in layers. Mikey had ''borrowed'' some of Donnie's latex gloves (used for when he was tattooing), already at the task of applying the chosen color. Meanwhile Leonardo was sitting nearby, keeping company and enjoying the show. ''It's gonna look dope as fuck,'' commented the orange clad turtle, hair dye brush in hand as he was spreading some color. ''I'm kinda nervous about it, though,'' added Vee. ''Last time I did something to my hair, it was only some blonde streaks here and there. … It's my first time going full on with a non-natural color.'' ''There's never nothing wrong with going wild once in a while,'' said Leo. The artist threw him a glance, somewhat amused. ''Says the guy who seems to overworry a LOT about anything.'' ''Hey, I have my moments, alright,'' chuckled the leader, next taking a sip of wine. Mikey tsked; ''What, your last wild thing was to shorten your training time or somethin'?'' ''Nooooo, I-...'' Leo lightly frowned, his lips forming a thin line. A sharp sigh left him as he confessed: ''I asked Mikasa out.'' Both Mikey and Vee's gazes were now locked on him, their smiles wide. ''Finally!'' let out the woman. ''How did it go? Is everything good?'' ''Spill the tea, bro!'' chided in Mikey. Leo's smile was shy, carefully choosing his words. ''We're still figuring some things out, I guess? It all started when we got to you both at the Maneki Neko... I brought her back to her apartment and we kissed. … I dunno how to explain it, it just felt right at that moment.'' ''So far, so good,'' commented Vee. ''What's next?'' ''I'll admit that I chickened out after that,'' continued the leader. ''I just didn't know yet if I was ready to get into some sort of relationship. I was a douche and I didn't say or text a word to her after a couple of days.'' ''You're a fucking dumbass,'' added the other turtle, slightly scolding as he parted some more layers of Vee's hair. Leo raised his glass a little: ''On that I agree, BUT! I kicked my own ass and finally got back in touch with her yesterday. I explained the situation to her and she agreed to meeting up and talk about it a little more. … I'm just-'' His eyes met Vee's, somehow pleading. ''How can I know she really likes me? For crying out loud, how did you know you liked Donnie?'' The artist couldn't help her laugh, surprising both mutants. Leo didn't really know how to react. ''Did … did I say something wrong orrrr?'' ''No, no! Good gosh, no!'' tried to rectify Vee, calming her laughter. ''Oh jeeze, Leo, you and Mikasa are just so freakin' adorable. …. Would you believe me if I told you that she kinda asked me the same question a while ago?'' The blue one showed a smirk, amused: ''Welp, I won't hide that I had a smiliar conversation with Donnie as well.'' ''See!'' pointed the woman. ''Dammit, you two. Mikasa likes you, okay? You guys … all four of you, there are people who're gonna like you and even love you for who you are, no matter the fact that you're mutants. Damn, get that drilled in your heads, alright?!'' Mikey couldn't contain a chuckle: ''You're pretty straight-forward when you get some drinks in you, Vee.'' ''I only speak the truth without reservation,'' she added, taking a sip of wine. She savored her beverage for some seconds before speaking up again: ''But to answer your question, Leo, I knew I liked Donnie when everything felt comfortable. I mean … whatever I would say or do, I knew it wouldn't mind him. … His presence is like a never-ending warm hug around me. I feel true, I feel seen...'' Her eyes got back to him. ''And if you feel like you can be your true self around Mikasa, then I say that it's worth a shot.'' ''I'll take your word for it,'' replied Leo, smiling and slightly lifting his glass in cheer. *** Hours later and Donnie couldn't be any more glad to be back home. Patrol had been pretty boring and tame tonight, but at least he got to spend some time with Raph, which was never a bad thing, at times. Hanging his gear for the night, he then proceeded to his workstation, only to frown a little once he spotted a sheet of paper with some sort of layout draw on it.

By the looks of it, it seemed to be an apartment, the gears of his mind running as he also recognized Vee's handwriting. ''Bro!'' His attention snapped, suddenly realizing that he had been deep in thoughts. He turned to the source of his calling, then noticing Mikey with a big smile on his face. Donnie didn't have time to say anything that his brother spoke again: ''I have the immense pleasure to present to you the world-premiere revelation of Vee 2.0.'' He did some theatrical gestures before bowing and backing out of view in a comical way, finally giving view to Vee who had been hiding behind him. The purple clad turtle's eyes grew wide as soon as he noticed the artist's new hair color. Teal. A lush dark green color that reflected so well when exposed to any lights. ''Whoa! That's so cool!'' blurted the tall terrapin, already approaching the artist. One of his hands was still holding the paper, but his other one couldn't stay put, gently taking some strands of Vee's hair and having a closer look at the color. He couldn't erase his grin, his eyes scanning every inches. ''You should thank Mikey, he's the one who did most of the work,'' informed the woman. The tall terrapin did throw a glance towards his brother who was still nearby: ''No wonder it's perfect. There's always a positive outcome to any of his projects.'' ''Aww, thanks bro!'' added the orange clad mutant, somehow surprised, yet glad to hear such compliment. ''So … you like it?'' asked Vee with a timid smile. ''Like it? I love it!'' answered Donnie, his gaze meeting hers. ''It really suits you. … Any specific reason for that change, though?'' The woman had noticed the sheet of paper in his hand, taking it in turn and pointing the sketch she did. ''If all goes well, this little lot will be mine.'' Donnie's happiness was renewed: ''For real?!'' A simple nod from Vee was enough for him to lift her off the ground in an embrace, unable to stop himself from spinning around a little, obviously feeling overjoyed. Relief also washed over him, knowing how the whole process was stressing the artist – and himself as well, there was no lying there. ''You did it, baby,'' he gently said, loud enough for only her to hear, nuzzling her as he came to a stop while still hugging her. ''Almost, but yeah. Let's hope for the best...,'' replied Vee in the same tone, her arms gently coming around his neck. ''Get a room, you two!'' piped in Raph's tone, playful. The couple looked his way, the red clad terrapin making his way to Mikey. ''Come on, let's give these two nerds some space. Ya wouldn't want to catch their cooties.'' ''Hah! You're just jealous!'' added Donnie comically, next suddenly hurrying to his room, Vee still in his arms and now laughing. Raph was rather unimpressed, a sharp exhale of air leaving him as he glanced from the running one back to his younger brother. ''…. The day I'll be jealous of that bean pole, assume that I'm delirious or somethin' like that.'' *** It wasn't long before they were found in bed, exchanging everyday clothing for comfortable wears. Donnie was laying first, Vee next nestled in-between his legs, her back against his form. The artist was not finished, drink-wise, so she shared some more wine with the terrapin, a screen mounted to a telescopic arm brought over them so they could watch any videos they desired. It was during moments like this that Vee felt at complete peace, loved, and the happiest. The warmth that invaded her could only confirm that she was at the right place with the right person. And yet the same question kept repeating itself in her mind since her conversation with April. ''Donnie, are we compatible?'' she asked in a shy tone. The mutant slightly frowned, his gaze still on the screen. ''Define 'compatible','' he asked. ''Can we procreate?'' His body and muscles suddenly tensed. Both were now staring at eachother, not giving a damn about the video anymore, the turtle trying to find his words. ''… Uhm, well, no. I don't think so. … Wh- Why are you asking this?'' Vee shrugged: ''Well, we've been having unprotected sex and I don't take any contraceptive pills. I'm just curious.... How can you be sure that we're not?'' He sighed briefly, his thoughts running a hundred miles per hour. The video on screen was still going on, the subject suddenly a blur. But that didn't matter. ''First of all, we're not the same specie.'' ''Ok then, why can tigers and lions create ligers? Why can donkeys and horses create mules?'' ''Because to their roots, they are the same. As for us, we come from two different branches. I'm a reptile, you're a mammal; there's a huge spacing inbetween us. Plus, I'm suspecting the mutagen has something to do with it, as it mostly prevents us from contracting human diseases, amongst other things.'' Vee crossed her arms, diverting her gaze, slightly feeling uneasy as she circled her drink slowly and pensively. ''… You do make sense. … I guess I was mostly biased by the fact that you do present humanoid features.'' She felt one of Donnie's hands to her cheek, bringing back her attention on him. ''… Did you want to have a child with me?'' he asked in a hushed tone, forever soft. Vee suddenly blushed, frowning a little. ''No! I mean- uh. Based on your explanations, no. Also I'm not ready for that and it's too early in the relationship to know. I- shit, I dunno,'' she blabbered. The terrapin's smile was soft, amused by her reaction. ''Hey, don't worry, I was just asking! … I guess I'm just wondering too if you ever wanted one. If that was the case, I wouldn't want to prevent you from doing so...'' ''What? You mean you'd let me hook up with a human guy only so I can get banged up?'' questionned the woman, confused, as she sat up straight and was still looking at the other. ''Hell to the no - yuck. The whole pregnancy shebang doesn't appeal to me anyway.'' ''Adoption is also an option,'' added Donnie, matter-o-factly. ''That's pretty much this family's case!'' ''For sure, and I think it's very admirable, but raising a child is still a huge deal in itself.'' She sighed, timidly rubbing the back of her neck. ''… Sorry I brought that up, I was just curious. Ever since I spoke with April, it has been bugging me. I'm really not ready for that chapter in my life and I don't think I'll ever be, but I wanted to know your opinion on that.'' Donnie rejoined her, one of his arms snaking around her form. He was softly nuzzling the top of her head, keeping her close. ''Whatever you choose or decide, I'll always stand by your side, loving every moments – every seconds - spent with you. We build our own happiness, and that doesn't mean it has to imply a child in the future. … As long as you're happy, so am I.'' ''I know. … I do feel kinda weird for not wanting a child though,'' mumbled Vee. ''Hey,'' intervened the mutant. ''You're not weird, believe me. Having a child is not an obligation. This is your body, your choice, and I will forever respect it.'' ''Oh, you better,'' smirked the artist in return.

[themidnightfarmer]

Bringing in some colour || Morgan & Jared

Timing: Present

Location: Jareds greenhouse

Tagging: @mor-beck-more-problems & @themidnightfarmer

Description: Morgan and Jared do some mosaic for the greenhouse, and talk.

Triggers: none i think?

“Thank you for letting me help you with this. It’s been a hot minute since I’ve been able to do something nice with my hands. Or, nice and productive anyway,” Morgan said, her joke laughing behind her eyes. She spread the green glass panes around Jared’s kitchen table so they looked like a sharp-edged rendering of the sea. One by one she picked them up, careful not to let the panes trickle through her fingers or snap under her thumb. She pressed them into the window frame until she heard their quiet sigh of connection and sealed them in safe with a few dabs of her puddy knife. “Who’s the one who taught you how to do all this stuff anyway?” She asked. “Seems like a big job for one fae all on his own.”

Jared blinked over at Morgan owlishly before he caught on to her meaning. He snorted and was eternally grateful that his glamour covered any heat that might take over his cheeks in a blush. “Oh wow. Love isn’t dead I suppose.” he commented lightly with a small laugh. The variety of colours spread out across the only free bench in the greenhouse sparkled in the midday sunlight and he smiled as Morgan fit a full pane of their work into the frame ready to go up. “Google, google and youtube are wonderful teachers Mogan, and tuition fees are close to zero.” Jared joked. “But the farm stuff, I was born in town, this farm has been my family's farm since 3 years before that even. I grew up fixing stuff that broke and managing animals...although my idea of good cattle and my human families? Not quite the same.”

“You might even say it’s un-dead,” Morgan smirked, maybe too pleased with herself. “Romance everlasting.” She reached for one of the smaller pieces and fit it into the grid, trying to see it up close and far away at once. So many little pieces, amplified to so much more beauty by being brought together. “And that is seriously impressive. I mean, I did a lot of that too when I was hustling through the day back in Texas, but it was hard. And I wasn’t very good at it either. I need that personal touch, you know?” She smiled over at him again. “And I still think what you’re doing is more than worth being proud of. I’m not sure who else would even know how to take care of your critters like you do.” A thought came to her then, less bright than her last. “How...how was it in there, at the ring, with their animals? Do you know where any of them ran off to?”

“I find youtube a lot easier than being taught something. School was never my thing so I struggle to learn through being told. But everyone has it different. What were you trying to learn while you were ‘hustling’ in texas?” Jared asked curiously, his own fingers moving over the glass pieces to select one for the mosaic they were constructing. A few of the panes had fallen in on his greenhouse recently. And Jared had decided he wanted something to make him smile, and a little bit of colour would do wonders he was sure. The compliment took the sting out of bringing up the whole situation at the ring, but that didn’t mean the reminder didn’t sting a little anyway. “It wasn’t...very good in there. I tried to keep my focus, but there was a lot going on with everything. Being realistic isn’t easy sometimes. I just wish I could have done something for them all. But that’s not...you know realistic. I don’t blame anyone for protecting themselves, I...do blame the people who took the poor things captive. They deserved whatever they got.” He shot Morgan an uncomfortable look. “Not a popular opinion that one. By human standards I’m supposed to put ‘people’ first.”

“I was mostly learning to take care of myself online and from handbooks.” Morgan said. “But can I ask why? About school? I don’t mean like--I’ve become well aware how the common school systems and classroom set ups in this country underserve and in some cases sabotage growth in some students. I’m always up for finding new ways to accommodate and help my students and, well, you can’t help but think about it when you learn how many species there are and how many of us don’t get a handbook or a community for how to deal with...anything. I can’t imagine how hard it is for people like us to get by on a practical level sometimes. So I just...wondered. It’s good, though, that you found a way to make do for yourself. I’m happy for that.” She tried to busy herself with the next few pieces of the mosaic they were constructing together, but after the first one she had to stop. She looked at Jared with eyes that held only understanding for him. “We’re people too, Jared. And from what I understand from Remmy, they treat dogs at the pound better than they did some of these creatures. I don’t know how to...how to carry what I did there. But I don’t think it was wrong. Not the way other people would think it was wrong. And I don’t know what we could’ve done different, exactly. Those people didn’t...they didn’t see us, you know? They didn’t see any of the creatures they kept locked up as anything with a life of its own. They just let them die, horribly, night after night.” She shivered and wiped away a tear budding at the corner of her eye. “And I don’t believe in moral binaries anyway so, you know, fuck human standards.”

The nymph was lost at first, the man hadn’t ever really thought about why he hadn’t done well in school. It just had sort of been a reality for him, he was sure it hadn’t helped that he’d started skipping. Even fae kids could have a rebellious phase it seemed. But he’d not grown out of it quickly considering he knew he wasn’t even human. “I don’t know honestly, I guess I was distracted by a whole host of other things. I needed to learn to focus, my bones ache all the time, and my mind wanders to my kids. Just maybe didn’t have the discipline or the knowledge to block it out and keep up. My glamour used to be my main focus day to day when I was younger.” Jared shrugged and smiled at Morgan. “Probably not the answer you were looking for, but I had no one to teach me how to manage all those things, so I was a slow learner all around. Never graduated, so it’s not like I can say I HAVE learned to manage myself.” he laughed jovially, not bothered by this fact as much as he used to be. The reality of the ring was indeed a sad one. It moved him to know Morgan felt the same way. He hoped she was shedding a tear for the creatures like he had and not just the people who’d suffered. Although both parties were definitely deserving of the grief. “Human standards suck, always have, according to the very few fae I’ve met. But maybe we’re just the vindictive type?” He reached out to the woman and gave her an encouraging smile. “If it helps. I’ve wandered the woods these last few days and a few have found their way to me. There is hope. They’re glad to be free, and you did that. Not only are your friend Remmy and Nell free, but some of them are too.”

Morgan shrugged. “I don’t know, sounds like keeping up that glamour full time takes a decent amount of concentration and discipline. Maybe you would’ve had the headspace if it wasn’t for that, but letting your fae flag fly in public isn’t exactly practical. Or safe. I think you’ve managed pretty well on your own, though. You’ve got a handle on everything that matters most to you, and that’s the important thing, right?”

She went slowly back to her work, pressing each piece with care and dabbing away at the grout that rose between the pieces so it was squished just right. She wasn’t sure how she felt about the word vindictive. In that moment in the dark, freshly flung from the bear, hearing that woman have the gall to be upset with her, go for her like she was the one owed. She remembered her own rage, her own hurt… “Maybe we wouldn’t have to be if things were more fair. But I am glad, you know?” She sniffled and blinked back her way tinto some composure. “We have our friends back, and maybe there’s some critters who can live their life with a little more peace. I’m not, you know, a longtime fighter or worker for this sort of thing like you are, I didn’t even know half the species I’m aware of now existed until I moved here, but I am...I do think your animals deserve as much of a fair shot as they can get.”

“That is the important thing. Though I wish there was a fae flag. We definitely need a flag. But it’s got to be invisible and it’s got to steal your name when you look at it. Since I’m pretty sure those are the rules.” Jared joked. It was slow work, but the mosaic for the gaps in the greenhouse would brighten the place up, and they definitely needed it around the farm lately. “We do have them back, and you don’t need to be fighting for my kids like I do. No one does, I just really appreciate that you don’t think of them as lowly as you could. Everyone deserves a shot you know?” He paused and put the last few spots of colour into the pane of glass he was working on and held it up towards the window to let the light through it. “But hey, all we can do is our best, all anyone can do is their best. And it’s sometimes not what we want, not enough, or not what you need. But it’s the best you can do. And it’s okay...but in my humble opinion my mosaic skills are godlike and nothing I can create will ever be less than perfect.” he tacked on to make her smile. 

Morgan couldn’t help but snort along with Jared. “Promise binds you on the spot not to talk about it too I bet.” She fumbled with the pieces she was working with and laid the last few down along the section she was working on. “You really are a uniquely understanding person, Jared. I don’t know as much as you do, obviously, but I do believe that everyone should get a fair shot, yeah.” She sniggered again at his pride in his handiwork. “Excuse me! I am clearly a goddess for my contributions to this work of fine art,” Morgan quipped. “We should let it rest before we put it in, yeah? But I think it’s the most beautiful thing ever made by supernatural hands. You know if you need anything more substantial… I mean, you helped break my friends out from the ring and fixed my brain. If that doesn’t make us friends now, I’m not sure what else could.”

He smiled at her widely. “I do try, it’s hard to see things from the other side a lot of the time. But I’m trying to get better. Especially after all this stuff.” Jared shrugged and then admired her work as well as his own. He was really happy with how it was turning out. Asking for Morgan's help had definitely been the key to all this. It was kind of therapeutic as well. “Oh yeah definitely, absolutely. Only gods would be able to create something like this. We’re the highest of the high. No one can even see us anymore, we're so good.” The nymph shrugged. “You don’t need to offer anything to be friends. We can just be friends you know...no strings required.”

Morgan’s face turned sheepish. “Sorry. Old habit, I guess. I was raised to believe in equivalent exchange in all things, to keep my balance with the universe and maintain that balance with everything and everyone I encountered. At least as much as possible. But I think maybe when it comes to certain people, maybe when it comes to friends...balance can look different, or be different than how I was taught.” She ran her finger over the fine glass pieces. They didn’t feel like anything to her but they really were beautiful together, even in all their misfit shapes and humble offerings, they were enough. “Then we’re friends, Jared. No deals or offers or trades. Just friends.”

[modern-oedipus]

Update: I vented (both to my journal and a trusted friend), made a therapist appointment (I can get one per month but the time has come), cleaned my room and came up with some useful ideas to help me on the following semester. The recent days have been tough for me but I am overcoming slowly. I’m grateful for everyone who respected this and helped me the best they could.  Tomorrow I’m leaving for a (delayed) vacation. I’ll watch out for social distancing and hygiene as always. I have been worried and nearly depressed at the thought of online-college even though I am fully aware of the risks in-person education would bring. I’m not one to decide what my university is going to do, but I will get precautions to protect my mental and physical health. Of course there are things I can’t control, things unfortunate and horrifying and perhaps inevitable, like catching the virus and/or losing someone I love, dying, or being given permanent damage. This reminds me of the times when I was around 17 and there’d be attacks on Paris and I’d freak out. Anyway, this is a different threat, but it still leaves a trace even if I am not directly facing it.  But... There are things I can and cannot control. It’s important to focus on the parts I can control, right? So that I can be the most ready for the worst case without constantly worrying over it. Overdosed anxiety is really useless. (Fun fact: I never thought I had chronic anxiety, but my therapist low-key called me out once saying that I tend to have anxiety, even though she cannot fully diagnose me with it since my “symptoms” are not severe enough, but that they could become a problem if I didn’t keep them in check.)  But well, how can’t you be anxious in this time and age?  I think it’s humanly to be anxious, just... It’s just as humanly as being angry or bitter or salty. What matters is to acknowledge that anxiety and process it healthily without making it toxic for me or people around me.  So let me just vent this: THIS IS SO FUCKED UP. I fucking hate this, I’m so tired of always trying to “protect” my mental health, like, the moment I got my personal problems together, covid19 started. My precious college experience, of whom I lost 1.5 years due depression, got cancelled. Outdoors got cancelled. We don’t know what this virus is or how long I can’t go to the events (congresses, stage plays, concerts, protests, everything... that makes me feel alive and connected and happy and hype) or whether this covid leaves a permanent damage. My parents fucking divorced, and even though the divorce itself hasn’t been traumatic for me I still... switch houses... it’s just... weird. I miss having my family together. I miss doing the things I love, going out, laying on the grasses in front of the faculty with my Starbucks cup and chatting to my two best friends about anything and everything, going to classes, leaving classes, my best friend dragging me to the music faculty so I can listen and record him playing piano, or that we can go out for partying, or we can hit to gym, or we can stay for a coffee chat with everyone, or go to our cheesy dining hall lunches, join to 6 pm events, stay in library to rush a homework together, run to the classroom as we repeat out the enzyme names loud because we just have a quiz, wearing our lab coats and taking silly pics, pretending we get the next Nobel prize as we go to lab, visiting the student’s office in my newspaper, standing on the line of orientation and welcoming the freshmen with giant pics and convincing them to join our club, dancing, petting campus dogs, buying even more Starbucks, I just... I miss everything so much. This is my final year and what if I can never get to experience such a beautiful experience again? What if it is ruthlessly stripped from me despite the crazy tuition fee I pay for online fucking classes? Who on their right mind wants to do online college? It’s the best college here too, like... It ain’t even a bad college, so I can confidently say that I’m missing out A LOT. I know it is like this worldwide but... It doesn’t make my pain any less. And I know this is not a “big” problem compared to getting the virus, but this is severely impacting my mental health so even if this is not a “big” problem, this is valid and serious enough to drive me miserable, which means I need to talk about it.  I miss everything so much. It’s just.  JUST when I’m out of depression and feeling alive...  That I’m homestuck.

I had so many chances that I wasted half of it in my freshman year because I was suicidal. Now I am full of life, but home stuck, and it just hurts, okay? It fucking hurts. Even if I go study another major after this (I considered this since I studied a stem major but I really want some psychology/philosophy/media related things additionally) I will be, idk, 22? It won’t feel the same as being 21. No one can give me the 2020 back. I’m honestly just... so, so, so, so, SO sad. This is overwhelming. This much of online education is too much. And I know that even if we go to campus it’s not the same because we have to wear masks and stay split and cancel big events (which, believe me, I most religiously follow, the virus is no joke and I never let my guard down even for a second) so it won’t be the same. Just... why... why... why... If this virus really came because some guy ate a rat in China, then... 

On the other side, as sad and horrified as I feel, I don’t want to “waste” my time just because it’s “online”. I want to make the most of my time. I want to enjoy whatever I have, I just need to stop obsessing over “why...” and “what if...”s. I need to accept... that life is like this. But god, I guess that’s something for therapy because I’m honestly bad at accepting things which are genuinely unfair to me. Worse since this unfairness is not something that can be just “solved”. It’s not like a friendship conflict. It’s a bloody pandemic, what can I do?  Oh, right, speaking of what I can do, I’ve actually come up with a few solutions. They don’t “solve” the issue but they can decrease the damage enough that I can go on my day to day life at peace. 

But I’ll not talk about the solutions here, I just wanted to vent. I normally don’t post this type of vent here (the miserable ones) but since I refuse to write anyone in dm-s right now, I thought you could read it if you’re worried. I’m sorry but I still don’t want to talk to anyone (except those who are excluded), so.  Anyway, take care! 2020 is crazy but if we can get through this year we can probably get through many other challenges like they’re little snacks! Love you all!

[prettywordsyouleft]

Sage

Summary: Chanyeol had gone to the extremes of warding off the spirit living in his new apartment. What he wasn’t ready for was just how adamant you were to stay.

Pairing: Park Chanyeol x reader

Genre: ghost au / fluff

Warnings: none

A/N: Welcome to the first story in this week’s Haunted theme! This scenario is part of the Frightful October series this month. For more stories in this series, please check the Masterlist below.

Word count: 2674

[Frightful October Masterlist]

Throwing the blankets over his head, Chanyeol hoped this would muffle out the sounds around his apartment. It was fruitless; ever since he had bought his home there had been no way to get a decent night’s sleep. The pattering of feet across the tiles, the opening and shutting of doors, the humming - it would go on all night long. 

Chanyeol would be more understanding if he had a roommate. Or a pet that was allowed to roam freely around the home. Yet he had neither. It was just him in this brand new apartment.

Oh, and a ghost too.

He had figured the place was haunted about two weeks into living here. He had eliminated all the more obvious conclusions, making sure the doors and windows were latched closed before going to sleep, checking in to see if there was any possibility of an infestation of some kind, asking neighbours on the floor above if they were up late at night, and even replacing brand new light bulbs and batteries in appliances - you name it. 

You know, the more plausible reasons for noises around his home. Everything was new for a reason, and he was beyond exhausted from trying to rack his brain for an answer. 

It was from this sheer exhaustion that he found the cause of his night time interruptions. Now desperate, he threw his arms out and shoved the blanket off of his head, whining unattractively due to his lack of slumber. Eyes wide yet miserable, he stared at the ceiling in distaste. “I just want to sleep, would you stop it?!”

He hadn’t been this frustrated with his wording when he first figured it out. Instead, he had been tentative, almost chiding his sleep-deprived brain for even entertaining the idea. And yet, Chanyeol had sat up in his bed, chewing his bottom lip hesitantly before uttering the pressing question. “Is someone there? Knock three times if you are.”

A knock happened as soon as he was silent. Ears listening, a second and third soon followed and he had screamed, leaping up and running out of his apartment, going over to Baekhyun’s in the neighbouring complex and refusing to come back until the morning sun dispelled any chance of shadows. 

He had spent more than enough time hiding out in his friend’s apartment that the purchase of his new home seemed pointless. And it was with that mindset that he was back, now annoyed more than anything else. How dare a spirit come and make themselves at home in his newly built apartment! He had worked all too hard for this place, and he wasn’t prepared to give up without a fight.

The noise only stopped momentarily, perhaps now listening for what he would do next. Instead of the usual humming or running around out there, his mouth fell apart at what he heard now.

A melodic laugh. 

His unwanted guest was now mocking him.

Chanyeol managed to get some sleep into the early hours of the morning, though it wasn’t nearly enough to start his day out with. Even with copious cups of coffee, he was unable to be as productive as he hoped to be at work. Though he was definitely wired on his way home. This didn’t come from the coffee, however, but from what he planned to do.

He wouldn’t allow his haunting spirit to continue driving him out. After all, they didn’t pay rent or even respect his much-needed hours of rest. So he would get them to leave instead. 

Unlocking the door and stepping inside, he walked over to his kitchen countertop, placing down his bags of supplies. For some reason, perhaps because he had established he wasn’t living here alone, he knew he was in the company of his unwanted guest immediately and smiled brightly.

“Time to make this place spirit-free,” he proclaimed confidently, feeling somewhat manic with how excited he was to try all the things he had read online to do.

First, he took to sprinkling salt along the windowsills, ensuring to even do so in his spare bedroom. He then lit an incense stick he had picked up from the store he had gone to for advice after finding out about their services online in his Google search of warding off evil spirits. The clerk had also suggested some cleansing crystals and Chanyeol placed them around his apartment, hoping he had chosen the best spaces to do so. Admittedly, he was feeling a little out of his depth now. Although he had been actively soaking up the advice he received and was willing to do anything, when he got to the final element of lighting up a bunch of sage to smudge around the apartment, his confidence faltered a little. Why was he even doing this? He felt stupid, waving it around now with less enthusiasm. Desperation had led him to this point, but now he wondered if he was just going crazy instead. That there was no spirit keeping him up at night, just an overactive imagination. He was easily frightened, so had he simply scared himself into believing someone was there? That the knocks were something he so badly wanted to hear irrationally or not that he had conjured them himself? Chanyeol grew confused, holding onto the sage mid-air and zoned out with his problematic thoughts.

“Careful,” someone said, and he blinked softly, head tilting towards the warning. “You might burn yourself.”

Shrieking in realisation, Chanyeol pointed the bunch at the apparition before he passed out from the shock.

When he came around, you were staring back at him, your expression concerned. He blinked slowly, wondering if he was actually awake or not. In the evening light, you didn’t look scary at all. Your long tresses fell around you like a halo, and your smile made you seem kind, approachable. Your hand was on his gently and you knelt beside him, knees against his waist. 

It was then he realised just how cold he was. 

“You’re not real,” he murmured and you pouted sadly, your smile evaporating.

“That’s not very nice to say to someone who’s sat beside you all this time. You hit your head pretty hard when you fell. Do you know how hard it was for me to drag this pillow over here for you to rest upon?”

He glanced to the edge of the pillow his head was now placed on and then chuckled. “If I hit my head, then you’re definitely not real.”

“Yet you acknowledge my existence every night,” you retorted, your cherry coloured lips now pursing together with amusement. “You’re a hard human to please.”

Slowly sitting up, Chanyeol glanced at you properly. He noticed the aura of light surrounding you, that along with the coldness of your touch, distinguished you from the living. You were his problematic guest. 

He had to admit, he hadn’t expected you to be so beautiful. 

“What were you even attempting to do? Are you foolish? It looks like you were tricked into buying a whole lot of unnecessary stuff.”

“I’m trying to get rid of you,” he breathed heavily, and you snorted which irked him immensely. Beautiful or not, if you were the spirit causing him to miss out on sleep, he needed you to leave peacefully.

“Well, you’ve gone about this all in the wrong way,” you told him thoughtfully, pointing to the windowsill. “Salt?”

“It keeps evil spirits out.”

You nodded whilst smiling. “It also keeps whatever is already inside here. Shouldn’t you put that up when I’m gone? That being, if I was actually evil.”

He didn’t answer you, though you did smile wickedly with that last part. You then moved over to one of the smoky quartz stones on his bookcase and admired it. 

“That works against negative energies,” he explained and you grinned.

“Hopefully yours will ease up then,” you remarked with a giggle and he gaped at you, connecting it to the one he had heard last night. You turned to Chanyeol, still smiling. “It’s really pretty though. Is that Frankincense?”

He nodded, albeit weakly. You seemed well-versed in these wards. 

“And finally the sage,” you announced, picking up the bundle he had once held. He stared at the floor where it still remained, or at least a bundle did. You admired the one in your hand and then held it out towards him. “I really love sage. It reminds me of my Grandmother. Did the lady at the store tell you all this would get rid of me?”

Chanyeol rubbed at his temples and groaned. “Shouldn’t it?”

“Sure, if I was a bad spirit. But I’m not so it doesn’t affect me. Well, the salt does. It means I’m trapped here, with you. Spirits can’t cross over it after all.”

“You’re not bad?”

You shook your head adamantly. “Do I look evil?”

“You look beautiful,” he breathed, ears now turning pink. Chanyeol then shook off his daze. “Which could be a trap.”

“If I was evil, would I really bother myself with something so trivial as enjoying a home? It was so cold on this lot until they built us a new place.”

“Us?�� he repeated and you nodded. “There’s more of you?”

“Well, not in this apartment. This is where my home was once. But Old Maggie is down the hall and Frank is up two floors. There’s even a whole family downstairs!”

Chanyeol vaguely remembered the rumour that a fire had happened here ten years ago. He hadn’t lived in this city then, and there was an overwhelming hush whenever it was raised between residents. He realised now that his new home was once someone else’s. You nodded dramatically. “That’s right! You’re actually a guest in my home. Or maybe, we’re roommates. I like that. In fact, I’ve been using your spare room. It’s nice and quiet in there.”

He snorted at your preference for peace. “It’s not quiet for me.”

“About that,” you eased into it, becoming apologetic. “I’m not quite used to living with someone else. I tend to be a night owl, even when I was alive.”

“You’re telling me, you’re not being a nuisance on purpose but out of habit?”

Clasping your hands together you laughed awkwardly.” Originally, yes.”

“But…”

“Now, I’ve been a little wicked. It’s just that you’re so adorable when you get annoyed! You puff up your cheeks and look much like a child. It’s rather amusing given how tall you are, Chanyeol.”

He wasn’t even ready to question how you knew his name and left it down to being a ghost. You smirked at his avoidance and waited for him to continue. “You’re teasing me on purpose?”

“Well, you asked if I was there and I told you I was. And then you left. You know, it was rather rude of you. I was hoping we could have a proper introduction and-”

“But you’re a ghost and I’m... and I think I’m going insane.”

“I’m Y/N,” you announced brightly, holding out your hand. “An introduction is better late than never. And I doubt you’re going insane, though perhaps if the shoe was on the other foot and I found a handsome stranger in my home, I would question my sanity as well.”

Chanyeol glanced around the room, wondering whether he should laugh or cry. Instead, he got up and made his way down the hallway to his bedroom, climbing under his blankets. You had followed him precariously, your face riddled with worry as he moved around after hitting his head. Before he closed his eyes, he gave you a stern look. “I want to sleep without any interruptions. Can you do that?”

“I no longer need to prove my existence to you so you won’t have to worry about that. When you wake up, you won’t ignore me, will you?”

Chanyeol smiled, nodding in agreement before closing his eyes. 

He hoped this was all a dream.

When he woke up the following morning, Chanyeol felt well-rested. He hadn’t stirred to anything overnight and the house was still silent even now. Smiling, he sat up and admired his bedroom and the morning light infiltrating through the blinds. He was certain you were gone. A beautiful nightmare that had now left and allowed the sun to shine through into his life. He rejoiced with a long stretch before getting out of bed, padding over to the door and across into his bathroom. Washing the sleep off his face, he then looked up into the mirror, smiling happily to himself. 

“Someone had a good night’s sleep,” you enthused and he shrieked, dropping the razor he had just picked up from the counter. Spinning around, he found you grinning at him in the doorway. “Or the crystals are working well on levelling out the negativity in your mood.”

“You’re still here?!” 

You nodded, now offended. “I held up my part of the deal, now you have to adhere to yours. Acknowledging my existence matters to me.”

“Y/N,” he called and you smiled all too happily, stunning him with how lovely you appeared. Shaking off his stupor, he then sighed. “You can’t live here with me.”

“Why not?”

“Well, shouldn’t you be moving on or something like they show in the movies?”

You shrugged. “I’ve tried that but it looks like I’m Earthbound. I don’t mind it, really.”

“Well, I do.”

You fell silent, and Chanyeol was surprised by how guilty he felt. Turning, he reached out for you on instinct, his hand brushing through you and feeling a drop in temperature. He sighed. You stared at him, unblinking and took in a shaky breath. “Try again.”

“Try… touching?” he questioned and you nodded feebly, balling your hands up as if it would give you the might for him to connect with you. Now feeling sheepish at trying to touch a spirit, he attempted again half-heartedly, gasping noisily when he actually caught your arm. “Wait, how... can I do this?”

“I’m not sure really, but I don’t like it when people go through me. It makes me miserable. I’ll try to be quiet at night as long as you accept me here during the day.”

“Well…” he started, your gaze now pleading with him. It was ironic how far he had come in such a short span of time to now be considering the feelings of someone who had been such a nuisance to him all this time. Knowing the reason why softened his heart some and he nodded without too much thought. “We’re roommates?”

You reached out rapidly for his hand and shook it much to his disbelief. “Oh, I’m so glad you accept me! We shall be the best of roommates! I promise I’m not all trouble! I like to clean and will try my best to help you out, although it does take a lot of effort for me to reach into your realm. Much more than you reaching into mine!”

He stared back at you dumbfounded, trying to take it all in. How you could exist, how he could see you now. How you had the ability to pick up copies of things in his home and they still sat where he left them. It was confusing the longer he thought about it. 

Your hand connected coolly with his cheek then and you smiled brightly at him. “Let’s just take it slow, shall we?”

“Slow would be good,” Chanyeol agreed, his heart thumping with your hand on his face. He started to worry that since he had entertained the idea of sharing his home with his now-friendly ghost that he would accept the more obvious attraction he had for you as well.

Taking in a deep breath as you prattled on about leaving him to shave and do manly things in peace, Chanyeol nodded to himself. 

He’d take one day at a time. And if you liked the sage, well, you couldn’t be all that bad.

Perhaps he would find some good from your haunting after all.

_________________

All rights reserved © prettywordsyouleft

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[gothamstreetcat]

things i’ve been tagged in as of late (a masterpost):

I. tagged by - @avacrwder

hardcover or paperback / rent or buy / reads in silence or reads with music / standalone or series / annotations or pristine pages / ebook or physical copy / dog ears or bookmarks / mismatched series or complete set/ going to the library or taking whatever editions they have there / cover matters or you don’t judge / lend books or keep them to yourself  / enjoys lit classes or despises them / browses shops or orders online / reads reviews or goes in blind / unreturned books or clean library record / rereads or once was enough / fanfic enthusiast or a stickler for canon / deep reader or easily distracted / must read the book before seeing the movie or order doesn’t matter / has neat bookshelves or messy bookshelves / skips ahead or resists temptation / reads aloud or in your head / guesses plot twists or never sees them coming

II. tagged by - @marthaskane

describe my blog tag meme 

icon: camren bicondova wearing black lipstick with her hair tied up and in a turtleneck shirt aka the closest embodiment to me i’m going to get. i did try to recreate this photo for my blog but i suck at taking pictures of myself

content: i think when i started this blog it was a lot of spooky content and caryl content (walking dead). i am so sorry for the people who followed me for walking dead content and are still here, somehow. my blog has more or less morphed into a gotham blog and i am very happy about that. however, i will reblog any other content relating to the goth aesthetic, patrick melrose, good omens, and whatever holds my interest for more then five seconds

letter color: white

url: gothamstreetcat

header: an edit i did featuring batcat in an old catwoman comic no one can seem to stand

blog title: ‘bruce wayne die-hard’ I saw the word ‘die-hard’ once and decided i was going to use it

III. tagged by - @harlee-n & @lgbtrogues

Rules: tag 8 people you’d like to get to know better!

favorite colors: mostly black but i do like other colors in certain circumstances 

last song I listened to: yesterday when i wrote this my playlist landed on taylor swift’s ‘peace’ and i’m sticking with it! but i’ve been listening to a lot of her last two albums these last couple days. particularly; london boy, cornelia street, illicit affairs, and i forgot that you existed 

favorite musicians: i don’t think this answers the questions but i really like rock and roll and usually listen to the same bands and whatnot constantly. it’s shameful 

last film I watched: fantasy island and it honestly wasn’t that good

last tv show I watched: degrassi 

favorite character: do you want to see how many times i can type bruce wayne’s name onto this post? selina kyle is also top tier for me. lucious fox and alfred are both criminally underrated. death from sandman, crowley from good omens, joel miller from the last of us, lara croft from tomb raider. i love bridgit pike, harley quinn, poison ivy and jason todd because he needs more love then fans give him + probably a dozen or so other character’s i’m forgetting

sweet, spicy or savoury: savoury and sweet

sparkling water, tea or coffee: coffee first and foremost, sparkling water second (i like polar the best) and (iced) tea last

pets: i have a cat named isis (from batman tas) and a dog named coco

IV. tagged by - @avacrwder

rules: tag some people you want to get to know better

ships: mostly batcat 

last song: betty by taylor swift 

last movie: answered above

currently reading: not really anything right now

currently watching: right now i’ve been replaying the last of time in my free time

V. tagged by @avacrwder

top ten favs (i suck at top ten anything since there is very little that sticks with me and I ‘love’)

MOVIES:

it chaper one (2017)

birds of prey (2020)

joker (2019)

aquamarine (2006)

13 going on 30 (2004)

the rocky horror picture show (1975)

Holloweentown (1998)

it (1990)

spiderman into the spider-verse (2018)

spiderman (2002)

BOOKS: (i don’t even read books like that anymore but i’m also putting books i have on my audible)

good omens - neil gaiman & terry pratchett

between the devil and the deep blue sea - april genevieve tucholke

patrick melrose - edward st. aubyn

nos4a2 - joe hill

it - stephen king

miss peregrine’s home for peculiar children - ranson riggs

the perks of being a wallflower - stephen chbosky

ellen hopkins YA novels

perfect- natasha friend 

milk and honey - rupi kaur

MUSIC:

daughter

elana tonra

dilly dally

ac/dc

halestorm

hayley williams 

taylor swift (i’m putting taylor on this list because even though i don’t listen to her as hardcore as others, i genuinely do think she is very naturally talented)

ozzy osbourne

shunkan

the cure

TOP TEN (CURRENT) (TAYLOR SWIFT) SONGS: (since that’s all i’ve been listening to the last couple days)

peace 

my tears ricochet

illicit affairs

seven

paper rings

london boy

i forgot that you existed

daylight

cornelia street

the man

TV SHOWS:

gotham

jenna marbles (youtube)

pennyworth

good omens

degrassi 

the harley quinn show

birds of prey (2000)

touch

desperate housewives 

batman the animated series

(+ BONUS) VIDEO GAMES:

the last of us

the last of us part II

life is strange

life is strange II

the tomb raider franchise 

particularly angel of darkness

elder scrolls: skyrim 

the sims 4 

alice madness returns

the batman games

VI. tagged by - @avacrwder (i am so sorry but i just copied this from the post you tagged me in)

Elements | tag

AIR

i have small hands / i love the night sky / i watch small animals and birds when i pass them by / i drink herbal tea / i wake to see dawn / the smell of dust is comforting / i’m valued for being wise / i prefer books to music / i meditate / i find joy in learning new truths from the world around me

FIRE

i don’t have straight hair / i like to wear ripped jeans and overalls / i play an organized sport / i love dogs / i am not afraid of adventure / i love to talk to strangers / i always try new foods / i enjoy road trips / summer is my favorite season / my radio is always playing

WATER

i wear bracelets on my wrists / i love the bustle of the city / i have more than one set of piercings / i read poetry / i love the sound of a thunderstorm / i want to travel the world / i sleep past midday most days / i love dimly lit diners and fluorescent signs / i rewatch kids’ shows out of nostalgia / i see emotions in colors not words

EARTH

i wear glasses or contacts / i enjoy doing the laundry / i am a vegetarian or vegan*  / i have an excellent sense of time / my humor is very cheerful / i am a valued advisor to my friends / i believe in true love / i love the chill of mountain air / i’m always listening to music / i am highly trusted by the people in my life

AETHER

i go without makeup in my daily life / i make my own artwork / i keep on track of my tasks and time / i always know true north / i see beauty in everything / i can always smell flowers / i smile at everyone i pass by / i always fear history repeating itself / i have recovered from a mental disorder / i can love unconditionally

* i’ve been making more of an effort to add vegan alternatives to my life. i want to go vegan completely but lately i’ve just been really down and wanna eat whatever i want. however, my favorite switch that i made was finding a vegan coffee creamer i like! it’s the silk almondmilk creamer and if bees had knees they would live wherever that creamer is made. it’s the best. 

i am so sorry for everyone who tagged me in things and didn’t may it onto this post. thank you all so much because it does mean a lot to me. i am going to tag everyone i love but please know participation is always optional. you can either do one of these, all of them, or none. i also think one of these asked for my current time, it is 10:32 in the afternoon 

tagging - @avacrwder (you know i had to tag you just one more time) @marthaskane @brvceselina @apple-grass-and-smiles @stevie-harrington @waynesmanvr @saltybatman @queergordon @keepswingin @sonyarebecchi @selinascatnip @jennasmarbles @twoheartsoneclara @drawing-cookie @harlee-n @yoko-goto @honestmrdual @clara-oswin-oswald @callmeredhood (+ anyone who wants to)

[ticktickblog]

Minimalism: How I Finally Found the True Beauty of Living with Less

A couple of months ago, I saw a TV series called Tidying Up with Marie Kondo, where a Japanese lady Konmari visited families to help them tidy their homes. The tiding process normally starts from clothes, books to sentimental items. A rule she’s given is only keeping what’s necessary and discarding those that don’t spark joy anymore. The basic concept embedded in the Konmari method is actually similar to minimalism.

Minimalism is about living with less. This not only means getting rid of extra material possessions, like what they did in that TV series, but also includes reducing mental burdens, and decluttering other aspects of life, e.g. digital life. It’s a less-is-more mindset that gets you to reflect on the current state of your life and identify what is truly valuable. With a minimalist lifestyle, people can sort their life well to enjoy more peace and freedom.

Getting rid of excessive material possessions

Among all aspects of minimal living, what we could easily start with is probably the personal belongings. I know this may still sound like a big project, but here’s what I did:

Observing

The first thing I did was to examine how much stuff I actually own, and I started with clothing. I pulled over all my clothes from several wardrobes and piled them together, which was really appalling, especially seeing hills and hills of clothes and some were years ago but still with the label on. I came to realize that I was kinda a semi shopaholic that I never thought I was.

Decluttering

Then it comes to the decluttering. I had to decide what to keep and what to toss. Considering some clothes are still quite new, I spare another choice for donation. It was quite a struggle to decide which item should go, but I asked myself two main questions:

Functionality: is it still functional/wearable?

Sentimental value: is it something meaningful/makes me happy?

It became easier with these two standards. For example,

Pieces bought out of pure impulse: donate.

Sweater my grandma knitted for me: stay.

T-shirts with holes: go.

Same type of dress: keep the best, ditch the rest.

Trousers I haven’t worn for the last year: go/donate.

Tip: One thing I learned from Konmari was the thank-you ritual. Thank the item for its sweet company before letting it go. This can help reduce your inner guilt when throwing things away.

Organizing

What was also suggested by Marie Kondo was organizing stuff by category instead of by location.This simply means storing the same type of items together, rather than letting them scatter in multiple places. For example, all towels go to one box, and all T-shirts should be collected in the same drawer, sorted by colors if you’d like. This helps when I need to quickly search for something, and also gives me a clear idea of the number of same items I own, which then can prevent me from buying more than I actually need.

Maintaining

To maintain the cleared-out momentum, regularly check if anything becomes excessive or nonfunctional. Also, always ask yourself the hard question — Do I really need it?/Do I already have it? — before you fall prey to consumerism that encourages you to buy excessively. Some minimalists stick strictly to the “one-in-one-out” principle, which means when they add something new, another stuff they already had should go. I haven’t tried this, it might be effective, but also be careful that it can lead to a simple replacement too.

Cleaning up digital clutters

Compared with visible substances in real life, what burdens us in the digital world is perhaps much harder to be noticed. A quick self-check can be: unlocking your phone and counting how many installed apps there are, or go to the photo album, and see the number of photos stored in it. In my case: 187 apps and 19220 photos. Amazing.

I decided to start the purge from those little cute apps. First I created different folders to sort them out by category. Interestingly, I realized I’ve downloaded 14 apps of a single type — photography and editing. Never knew I had a true passion for that. To downsize it, something particularly useful was: keeping the multi-functional apps because these are the ones I use most, just like TickTick, an all-in-one productivity app. Then the others are just a waste of storage. Also, let go of those barely used, for me the recipe apps, because I seldom cook, and also the recruitment apps, which were only used when I needed to look for a job. When finishing the decluttering process, the size of apps on my phone was shrunk largely to nearly ⅓ of the past.

The same process then went with my photo album, which was downsized to about 6k from 20k, after all the meaningless screenshots and repetitive selfies were deleted, and all trip photos were moved into cloud drive. This could further extend to messages or emails, if those are the severely-hit areas in your case. God bless.

I literally felt my phone was thinner after the whole process. Try it.

Reducing the amount of information I’m exposed to every day was what I did next. I’ve tried more radical way like cutting my phone completely out of daily life for 3 days in a row. It felt terrible honestly, and I used it for more hours as a payback once I got it back. A common misconception there of minimalism might be the elimination, but I think the difference is minimalism is not telling you to avoid something forever, it’s always about striking a balance between your desires and capacity.

Therefore, I’m enjoying my digital life, but I’m also trying to weighing it against my capacity of information that I can take in. Articles with exaggerated titles but cheesy contents needed to go first; numbers of newsletters subscribed should be restricted; time spent on TV series was limited; scrolling on social media posts was also reduced; notifications from apps were minimized… so on an so forth.

Reducing mental burdens

Lastly I’d like to talk a little about the effects of minimalism on mental world.

Also take myself as an example, I used to be addicted to expanding my social network, because I’ve long been educated: one more friend, one more road. Therefore, I took very good care of my social media accounts like they were just many MEs living on the internet. However, the larger my network size is, the more exhausted I feel. The more I care about how many likes I get for a new insta post, the more anxious I get.

Then I just realized putting so much effort into building social personas and expanding so-called friendships did nothing good, but added on my mental burdens. Why not spending more time for myself, and people I really love and care about? Understanding the truth of quality over quantity, I decided to:

Unfollow people I met on a party but never talked in life since then.

Delete those using me as a “problem-solving machine” but nothing else.

Delete those who barely contacted me unless they became sales.

Let go of those in close relationships but ghosted for whatever reasons.

Share what I’d really like to share instead of what my online friends like.

After doing that, I felt so much more relieved than before, because I finally understood that my time and energy is the very limited resources I have in life and thus not everyone around me is worth it. I truly get the meaning of living with less: spending less time on the unnecessary and what consumes you endlessly, but more on what you really need and what brings you joy.

Talking all above, you might feel inspired and would also like to try the minimalist lifestyle. But before you go, I’d like to kindly remind you of three gimmicks of minimalism I’ve spotted:

It’s not a disposal competition. Focusing only on the number of stuff you’ve tossed or people moved from your contact is not what really matters. And there isn’t a rule saying the less, the better.

It’s not a promotion of expensive brands with minimal designs. Some products brand themselves with minimalism, making it a new aesthetics standard with normally a not-so-affordable price. How ironic.

Make conscious decisions when ditching something, or else you may find yourself end up in a replacement cycle that causes extra expenditure.

In a nutshell, minimalism is a way of life and a way of thinking. It encourages us to focus more on what’s truly important in life and avoid other distractions; it becomes an antidote that saves us from drowning in numerous goods and boomed information; it helps reduce mental loads and spare some room for inner happiness.

So thank minimalism, go and enjoy life!

[dylan-xiv]

☆LF: RP - Dylan Finn☆

☆ The Basics ––– –

Nickname(s): D2F as in Down to FUCK, just kidding, it’s Dill. Age: Twenty-Five Birthday: 5th of August Race: Rava, Viera Gender: Female Sexuality: Straight Marital Status: Adamantly Single Alignment: Chaotic Neutral

☆ What I’m looking For ––– –

Fun, excitement and adventure! Friends, enemies and everything in between! RP Groups

☆ What I’m NOT looking For ––– –

Possessive/rude/pushy/impatient partners. People seeking to ‘get with’ Dylan then leave.

☆ Additional information (OOC) ––– –

Dylan is just a baby, her story is practically a clean slate with a lot of potential to work with. I’d much prefer to work with bigger rp groups, but I’m still happy to do some 1x1 role play.

As for me, I’m Australian so my time online will be different, but I can be rather flexible. I can become distracted easily, but please don’t assume that I’ve become bored with you. I have simply forgotten and need a little poke~!

[In Character Tag] ☆ [Answered Asks Tag] ☆ [Aesthetic Tag]

☆ Contact Information  ––– –

You can message me here on Tumblr for my contact information or catch me in game~! I only RP through XIV as I found it to be a far less stressful medium for me. However, I would be delighted to discuss any potential RP plots through Discord.

  ☆ Character Profile Continued Under the Cut! ☆

☆ Physical Appearance ––– –

Hair: Dylan’s natural hair is a soft and sandy blond colour, but she will often dye it a random assortment of colours depending on her mood. The style of hair is usually a cute pixie style cut with a few longer pieces to braid a collection of beads through. Eyes: Both eyes are a bright, sapphire blue colour. Build: Lithe and athletic. Distinguishing Marks: A blueish grey marking on the ridge of her nose and a beauty mark just below her right eye. Common Accessories: A collection of colourful beads that she braids through her hair. Usual Attire: Whatever she finds lying on the ground wherever she’s staying. She has a preference for comfortable clothing in bright colours, usually paired with some cute shorts and bare feet. Check out her aesthetic tag for examples of her colourful tastes! [Aesthetic Tag]

☆ Professional ––– -

Languages: Common Tongue, Sign Language, Old Script. Profession: Professional Vagabond. Skills: ☆ Dancer: Dylan is a skilled dancer, it is her chosen disciple. She’s more of a hunter that prefers to stalk her prey rather than a fighter who challenges someone head on, but she will launch on the offensive if she’s been provoked. ☆ Water Control: A skill passed down through her family line, Dylan has the ability to control and manipulate water. However, traditionally the practice of this skill is forbidden outside the protection of her forest home and so she will only ever use this power when under great threat or stress. ☆ Painter: Dylan loves to paint, whether she is actually any good has yet to be seen. Her favourite medium is acrylic paint on any blank surface and applied with her hands. She thrives in this chaotic mess. ☆ Musician: Dylan is learning to play the drums to the great annoyance of anyone who has the displeasure of living under the same roof as her. ☆ Basic Grasp of Old Script and Ancient Teachings: Thanks to the knowledge passed down through her family, Dylan has a knack for deciphering old script and ancient ruins. However, never bet your life on this skill as Dylan is not exactly fluent! Gee whiz, the old script symbols for ‘exit route’ and ‘obvious trap’ are awfully similar, aren’t they?

☆ Personal ––– –

Birthplace: Fanow, The Rak'tika Greatwood Patron Deity: Azeyma because I forgot to change it when I fantasia’d from Kee. Residence: A small and run down garden shack on the beach in Mist (Her FC Room). Personality: Dylan is a bubbly and exciting energy! She loves stirring up trouble and making every mundane task an adventure. Dylan is still very much a child at heart and wants nothing more than to bring out the fun for everyone. Likes: Food, loud music, the beach, blue skies, flowers, dancing and making a mess. Dislikes: Working, boring people, shoes, lectures and ants. Favourite Food: There isn’t a food that exists that Dylan doesn’t love. Virtues: Overly friendly, bursting with positivity, optimistic, easily amused, fun. Sins: Naive, vague, obnoxious, abrupt, silly. Excitement: Dylan becomes excited for food, loud music, being near the beach and having fun with friends. Fear: Dylan is afraid of being alone for too long, getting lost and dark/tight spaces.  

Short Biography: Six years ago Dylan encountered a mysterious person, who at the time she believed to be the Warrior of Darkness, traveling through the Greatwood. However, trouble stuck when that person began to teleport away. The pull of their aether had been so strong that it dragged Dylan into the void between worlds and launched her across time and space! When she came to she found herself on a completely different world. A seemingly peaceful world, but one in constant strife much like her own. With no idea how to get back home she decided to wander this new world, learning whatever she could about it and helping the friends she makes along the way. Hoping that one day she would once again find the Warrior of Darkness and convince them to take her home.

OOC: Dylan landed in Eorzea at the beginning of 2.0 and has been living among its people for the last six years. She has a pretty good grasp of what’s going on within Eorzea, but some days she does suffer from a lapse in knowledge. Dylan’s primary goal is to seek out the mysterious Warrior of Darkness who launched her through time in the first place and convince them to send her back home. However, she seems quite content to delay that goal in order to enjoy her time in Eorzea.

☆ Relationships ––– -

Spouse/Partner: None Children: None Parents: Mother, Aníka. Father, Unknown. Siblings: Five sisters, all younger (Britt, Fía, Laíla, Ida and Grét). Pets: A Shoebill named Bill.

☆ RP Hooks ––– –

☆ An idiot has been breaking into your house and ransacking your fridge every night. You lay a trap and catch yourself a wabbit.

☆ You need a papsy and you happen to run into the most gullible fool imaginable. Convince Dylan she’s your only hope and watch her follow you to the ends of the earth.

☆ A flyer was found that calls for anyone versed in old text to apply for an open position, the only one dumb enough to go for something so vague is Dylan. Will she prove useful? Probably not.

☆ I honestly have no idea what RP Hooks to list here, but come talk to me and we’ll work something out! I would love to brainstorm with you and come up with something unique~!

☆ Thank you for taking the time to read all this! ♥ ☆

[lasercruz]

@quarterdollar​ fuck you and im sorry that i took so long to answer and i hope that im mostly coherent because i am. very tired as im typing this

1: Full name Nicky Jackie Marie Cruz !!

2: Age 21

3: 3 Fears Mold, tall heights if I’m not secured (like, I’m not scared of rollercoaster heights but I’m scared of like, cliffs), and balloons esp balloon animals

4: 3 things I love I love so many things uhh hh h. Jjba, adventure zone, and my friendssss 💞

I know turn ons/offs aren’t inherently sexual but i never know what to say for them so im skipping them :0

7: My best friend you 🥺🥺

8: Sexual orientation bi

9: My best first date ive never really been on a actual date :0

10: How tall am I 5′3

11: What do I miss being with my friends physically and just watching stuff or goofing around on the floor 😭

12: What time were I born 11:02pm

13: Favourite color Dark blues

14: Do I have a crush yes shh

15: Favourite quote there so much sappy quotes that are on uquizzes a lot that i like a lot the first that comes to mind is “ You’re in a car with a beautiful boy, and he won’t tell you that he loves you, but he loves you.” and so on and also “if i loved you less i might be able to talk about it more”

16: Favourite place As far as just physically and not like people or other stuff that comes with with a place, I miss VT campus a lot tbh more than I thought I would. To pick a more specific place, the gazebo at the duck pond cause its where I’d go if I wanted to be alone or like if my roommate was sleeping or working and i didnt want to worry about being quite and it was always super peaceful

17: Favourite food I dont really have One favorite food it just depends what I’m in the mood for but my go to answer for favorite food category wise is either chinese or seafood

18: Do I use sarcasm Depends who I’m with ?? Generally no not often but if im close with someone and just goofin yeah

19: What am I listening to right now My love song playlist. its my go to thing to listen to cause my playlist with all my music has so much on it that i end up skipping half the songs until i find something im in the mood for and this one has a lot less that i end up skipping. the current song its on is day without you by keep for cheap

20: First thing I notice in new person It depends on the person like if they have something that stands out about them, thats what I tend to notice but like. How they carry themself i guess ? cause i feel like thats a easy way to get a read on somebody before talking to them

21: Shoe size 5 mens / 7 womans

22: Eye color Brown

23: Hair color Naturally dark brown but currently dyed black with rainbow bangs

24: Favourite style of clothing this question is on so many ask games and quizzes and I never know how to answer it cause i feel like i dont really have one specific style,, I like colorful and fun stuff i guess ?

25: Ever done a prank call?  No and if you prank call a place of business youre annoying. i used to answer phones at work and we didn’t get them super often but GOD i hate prank callers

27: Meaning behind my URL emu is an old nickname and what i mainly went by until i settled on Nicky and this. is my blog.

28: Favourite movie Baby driver !!

29: Favourite song my go to answer for this is community gardens by the scary jokes

30: Favourite band THE SCARY JOKES

31: How I feel right now sleeby,,,,

32: Someone I love i love , my friendz ,, 🥺🥰

33: My current relationship status single ✌️

34: My relationship with my parents im close to my mom but i dont really get along with my dad ,

35: Favourite holiday Christmas !

36: Tattoos and piercing i have no tattoos, 3 piercings in each ear (2 on each earlobe and 1 on the top on each side)

37: Tattoos and piercing i want I want a interrobang on my wrist and an Aquarius symbol on my ankle and MAYBE the joestar birthmark, i wouldn’t mind more ear piercings and i want a septum piercing but ive seen videos of them getting done and they make me squirm i dont know if id go through with it

38: The reason I joined Tumblr sdklgkjgh i had a my little pony roleplay blog before i made my personal account

39: Do I and my last ex hate each other? no we’re good friends !!

40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts? no not regularly at least

41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? no

42: When did I last hold hands? my mom tried to hold my hand when i was half asleep on the couch the other day but like i was so out of it so like it was more our fingers together and the rest of my hand just loosely dangling so if that doesnt count, you

43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? i give myself about 2 hours if im doing full makeup but thats purposefully longer than i need so i dont have to worry about rushing and i can relax and take my time

44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days? no i only shave them if they’re gonna be showing or if the Urge to be Smooth comes over me

45: Where am I right now? my room at home on my bed

46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me? probably Kaylie cause she doesn’t drink and i assume if im drunk with other friends there she’d be the only sober one

47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? Reasonable, if i have it too loud i cant think so the only time i  have my music loud is if im doing nothing and want to Not Think

48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad? Ye

49: Am I excited for anything? short term im excited for the ai crushes all banks stream tonight and long term im excited to move into our apartment 

50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? no im not a tell everything to someone type of person .

51: How often do I wear a fake smile? i smile most of the time like, at work (before we wore masks) id always be smiling to look nice and like. just in general if i want to Not Look Unhappy or whatever

52: When was the last time I hugged someone? my mom probably like, yesterday

53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me? ive never kissed any1     .

54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?  nope i don’t think i really trust easily so like this doesnt rlly happen,

55: What is something I disliked about today? i woke up late cause i was up late last night so ive been tired all day I dont like the feeling

56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? language barriers aside itd be super cool to meet hirohiko araki

57: What do I think about most? Whatever media im currently most into so right now adventure zone and magnus archives

58: What’s my strangest talent? umm i dunno im kinda flexable i guess ? not like ~contortionist~ level but like enough that i can freak people out sometimes

59: Do I have any strange phobias? i mentioned balloons as a fear in an eariler question so yeah that but im a lot better about it than i used to be

60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? in front tbh

61: What was the last lie I told? i was on phones for the last hour and a half of my shift on friday and like. when people call and ask if an item is in stock and i can’t confirm it i, just tell them its not. like, someone asked if we had a specific kayak and i usually just search the walmart app or run over to where itd be to check but the kayaks are to far for me to run to and the app said limited stock which usually means little to none so , i just put it on hold for a bit then tell him we’re out.

62: Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online? i like video chatting in theory cause its nice to see people visibly react to stuff but i tend to get too self conscious about how i look so i  just do audio only

63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? yes to both !! i am both

64: Do I believe in magic? yes in some ways i suppose

65: Do I believe in luck? yes im v superstitious

66: What’s the weather like right now? its a pretty good day its sunny but not too hot :oo

67: What was the last book I’ve read? its been ages since i last read a book in full 😔  i honestly dont knwo what the last one would of been 😔 😔

68: Do I like the smell of gasoline? yes !!! love it

69: Do I have any nicknames? not anything i get consistently called no

70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had? ive never gotten super hurt that i can think of ??

71: Do I spend money or save it? save it

72: Can I touch my nose with a tounge? no

73: Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me? doppio bean plush ,,,,

74: Favourite animal? hedgehogs!!!!

75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM? on my phone probably on tiktok or something waiting for jojo to come on toonami

76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is? I? dont think he has one i guess ??

77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? butterflies by samsa but it makes me happy in the “im crying now” kinda way itss cute

78: How can you win my heart? just by being nice and respectful tbh ,

79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone? idk i dont really want anything fancy just my name (chosen name please god im so scared of dying and geting my birth name on my tombstone if that happens i WILL come back as a vengeful ghost) and my birth and death dates

80: What is my favorite word? saccharine

81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr by my tumblr crushes (which its been YEARS since i looked at) ; frostios, 27names4tears, smollpurrito, happynaru, and warpedlamp

82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? if we being real id just get so scared dsjkfsldjglg  theres so much i could say i dont know :((

83: Do I have any relatives in jail? not ? that i know of 

84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power? why are all the questions worded super basic except this one skdlskdjfj. Shape shifting

85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on? i can really think of anything really as long as a friend is asking i tend to answer truthfully ?

86: What is my current desktop picture? Sobble BUT this reminded me that i wanted to change it to a xenoblade pic so its this now :

90: Failed a class? no

91: Kissed a boy? no

92: Kissed a girl? no

93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? no but oh god just thinking about that im 🥺🥺🥺🥺 id die id melt 🥺🥺

94: Had job? ye i was a cashier for a year in highschool and then i work in wamlart apparel in the summers

95: Left the house without my wallet? not when I know ill need it no, but ive left it home if im just going to a friend or family member’s house or i have my mom’s card or some cash in my pocket

96: Bullied someone on the internet? no !!

98: Played on a sports team? no lmao i dont do sports

99: Smoked weed? no

100: Did drugs? i had a weed brownie like once but it was such a small piece i didnt really feel anything

101: Smoked cigarettes? no

102: Drank alcohol? Ye

103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan? not currently i was vegan for a little bit to encourage a friend that was doing it though

104: Been overweight? no

105: Been underweight? no

106: Been to a wedding?  yes three, my grandma’s when she got remarried, and both my brothers

107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight? probably yes lmao often

108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight? not TV TV but if netflix and the like count then yes

109: Been outside my home country? no :(

110: Gotten my heart broken? not ? really no

111: Been to a professional sports game? ive been to a handful of Yankee games

112: Broken a bone? no

114: Been to prom? yes i went to my highschool’s and a friend’s highschool’s my senior year

115: Been in airplane? no

116: Fly by helicopter? no

117: What concerts have I been to? none :((((

118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex? ye

119: Learned another language? i took 3 years of Spanish in high school but i wasn’t any good at it and dont really remember much of what i did learn

120: Wore make up? yes i do often :0

123: Dyed my hair? ye a lot

124: Voted in a presidential election? yes ever since iv been old enough to i vote

125: Rode in an ambulance? no

126: Had a surgery?  dental surgery yes

127: Met someone famous? Not anyone i’d count no

128: Stalked someone on a social network? depends on what you count as stalking i guess but like not ever in a creepy way like ive been on people’s social media to find out stuff about them like. if theyre in a relationship or especially after highschool ill wonder about someone i havent talked to in awhile and ill see what theyve been up to and what theyre doing with their life and stuff

129: Peed outside? no

130: Been fishing? yes like once

131: Helped with charity? donation wise yes

132: Been rejected by a crush? ive never confessed to anyone and been rejected but once a friend told my crush i liked them and they confronted me about it and rejected me but it made me more mad at the friend that told them than it made me sad about being rejected because i knew it’d probably go like that  and it justmade thing awkward between us for awhile  😔

133: Broken a mirror? ive broken the little mirrors inside eyeshadow pallets but i havent broken full ones

134: What do I want for birthday? usually just money lol or something thoughtful and cute

135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names? i aggresivly do NOT want kids BUT hypohetically Elliot or Xander for a boy and idk what i’d nam a girl

136: Was I named after anyone? no

137: Do I like my handwriting?  its messy so no not really but if im writing something for myself like a not or whatever i dont mind as long as i can read it

138: What was my favourite toy as a child? even as a little kid i always played computer games but other than that, this guy :

139: Favourite Tv Show? Jojo

140: Where do I want to live when older? New york or japan

141: Play any musical instrument? i can kind of play harmonica

142: One of my scars, how did I get it? i burnt my thumb kinda bad on the oven a while ago its still kinda healing but right now it looks like its gonna stay a scar

143: Favourite pizza toping? i like everything/suprieme pizza but if i have to pick one single topping pepperoni

144: Am I afraid of the dark? yes :((

145: Am I afraid of heights? mentioned it earlier but yes if im not strapped in or secured etc

146: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad? no im so scared of being caught doing something bad that i just. dont

147: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? i mean yes but thats life babey

149: What my greatest achievments are ive gotten awards for grades and stuff but that boring BUT i got the english department award or whatever that was called im very proud of that

151: What I’d do if I won in a lottery i donate some and save the rest tbh

152: What do I like about myself i can be pretty  sometimes 👉👈 im cute or whateva ,,,

153: My closest Tumblr friend i dont really havent “tumblr friends” aside from friends i know irl and also tey have tumblrs ,,

154: Something I fantasise about just. growing up and having my own place maybe with someone and. being comfortable and  okay and not having to worry ,,

155: Any question you’d like? dkfjhdskhf japan :000

[minnuet-archive]

about me!

hey! i'm vio.

that's not my real name (by real name, i don't mean dead name - i mean chosen name that i use in real life), but it doesn't mean i chose it at random. viola (vio) is my online name for a reason.

i chose the name viola because even though it's a girl's name, it's also the name of one of shakespeare's most sexually ambiguous characters to exist. vio, while also being a nickname for viola, is it's own name that comes from the word vita, meaning life.

in fact, i want vio to be my middle name once i legally change my name.

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i've kind of come to terms with my good traits and my not-so-good traits. i've been described as charismatic, kind, intelligent, patient, caring, thoughtful, good at giving advice, and funny. but the downside to being (supposedly) charismatic is that i can be manipulative. i also lie a little more than i should because of my anxiety.

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sexuality and gender wise, i'm not someone you can put into labels. i'm equally okay with he/him and they/them pronouns, so i'm perfectly comfortable with either the label trans ftm or nonbinary.

although i'm TECHNICALLY pansexual, I enjoy the term queer because it makes me feel less self conscious about if i'm more straight than gay (or vice versa) and things like that.

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i'm: - a pisces - a slytherin (although i don't support j.k. rowling herself and i don't love the harry potter series either, knowing my house will probably help you get a feel for who i am) - an enfj/infj (it changes a surprising amount) - an 8 (then a 3, then a 5) in the enneagram - chaotic neutral - a son of loki - a son of either hermes or hades (it's been a long internal debate)

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i love: - hunter x hunter (ハンター×ハンター / hantā hantā) - attack on titan (進撃の巨人 / shingeki no kyojin) - my hero academia (僕のヒーローアカデミア / boku no hīrō akademia) - death note (デスノート / desu nōto) - haikyu!! (ハイキュー!! / haikyū!!) - violet evergarden (ヴァイオレット・エヴァーガーデン / vaioretto evāgāden) - nura: rise of the yokai clan (ぬらりひょんの孫 / nurarihyon no mago / nurarihyon's grandson) - ouran high school host club (桜蘭高校ホスト部 / ōran Kōkō Hosuto Kurabu) - black clover (ブラッククローバー / burakku kurōbā) - yuri!!! on ice (ユーリ!!! on ICE) - westworld - the politician - the haunting of hill house - the good place - good omens - brooklyn nine-nine - on my block - lost in space - many more

i'm a big shipper and it causes me quite a bit of pain considering i mostly ship gay ships and i also mostly watch animes so they'll never happen.

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i used to play basketball and tennis, but now i mainly just use my dad's peloton bike and go on runs. oh, and i also snowboard and surf! i'm pretty good at surfing although i need someone to push me on a wave and i'm getting a lot better at snowboarding (although i'm not GOOD).

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i enjoy cooking too, but don't have enough time or energy for it. i love horror movies and house plants, but i can't take care of them for shit.

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i really like to listen to music!!! it's very hard to describe my musical taste, but my top grneres are modern rock, indie pop, indie, pop, rock, electropop, and dance pop. 

i used to listen to more emo music, but recently i’ve found that it just gets me down, so i try to listen to upbeat/chill music.

my spotify account name is strangecharm if you want to follow me! the playlist currently. has music that rotates as i find my favorite songs, but seventh grade. has all the music i've liked this year! i also really enjoy the playlist chill.

i also like musicals (dear evan hansen, be more chill, heathers, six the musical, and hamilton for the most part), but they're not what i listen to for the most part.

oh! i'm a singer and a pianist! i've always loved singing, but i always hated piano. a while ago, i got significantly better and started playing songs i enjoyed. it gave me this sense of motivation i've never felt when it comes to piano. i've even composed a couple piano pieces at this point!

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another really nerdy thing about me is that i genuinely enjoy philosophy and poetry (particularly from one of my favorites, rumi).

i love: - john green - david levithan - terry pratchett - neil gaiman - tomi adeyemi - rick riordan - jalāl ad-dīn muhammad rūmī (aka rumi; he’s an ancient persian poet, and he’s queer as hell) overall, i don't really read by authors, though. for the most part, when i choose a book, it's because it was recommended to me or is of value to me as an author.

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i'd like to grow up to be an author, but i also want to teach writing so i can share what i know! my (dream) life plan is kind of to go to college in london or, if not, somewhere on the east coast of the united states.

from there, i'd either want to study abroad in japan or get my english abroad permit and teach english in japan.

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i'm re-learning spanish and learning japanese, too! i want to learn them for four main reasons among many: 1) knowing spanish is really helpful in america 2) i can write novels in english, spanish, and japanese! 3) both spanish and japanese are absolutely beautiful languages- way more beautiful than english. 4) i can watch animes and have peace of mind because i won't have to read subtitles that are insanely off from what the voice actors are saying.

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i'm an eclectic witch (although i am particularly drawn to divination and green witchcraft)!

i really love tarot cards! some people think they can tell the future which is okay (i guess), but personally, i just use them to help me recognize themes in my and other people's life/lives from an unbiased perspective and help make things better.

my favorite kind of spells are jar spells and tea spells. if i'm doing spells, they're normally protection spells, self-love spells, or anti-anxiety/depression/bad vibe spells. i don't really believe in trying to use hexes or curses because then you're no better than the person you're cursing.

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i love art, but i'm not very good at it, so for the most part i do abstract art instead of realistic art. abstract art is pretty fun, too!

i'm trying to get better at using proportions and things, though. my favorite method is the loomis method and i love the youtube channel proko.

you can check out my book on wattpad, artistic elixir (i know, cheesy; i thought i was cool and i’m too lazy to rename it), if you want to see some of my art.

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i have a lot of unpopular opinions. some are big and some are small. that's just who i am. my mom's insanely left wing and lgbtq+ herself, but my dad's neither left nor right wing, leaving him hated by both wings. i've become a weird mix where i'm definitely more left wing than right, but i'm also not really either wing.

for example, i think that, if I'm being honest, the amount of labels in LGBTQ+ community has gotten out of hand. i'm not saying that the feelings aren't real. I'm not saying that it's impossible to not want to have sex or feel physical attraction until you get to know someone. but some genders & sexualities sound a lot more like a preference to me. i think that a lot of labels that exist could easily fit into other ones that already did exist. i also feel that you need some kind of dysphoria to be genderqueer and that neopronouns are a bit unnecessary.

basically, the rule of thumb for me is that i don't give a fuck. by saying this, i mean that i both do not give a fuck: 1) in that you can do whatever you want and be whoever you want and don't have to to live by my opinions. i understand and respect that and i’ll love you the same as long as you’re not hurting anyone with your actions. 2) in that i won't tiptoe around you, trying not to hurt you. i will share my opinion, regardless of whether or not it hurts you. i speak my mind; that's how i've always been and always will be.

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i have a pinterest, a wattpad, an archive of our own, a spotify, and, obviously, a tumblr, so just ask me if you want my account on any of them!

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that’s basically all i can think of, but i’ll always answer questions for you guys! just send me an ask or even a pm if you want to ask any other questions, or even just want to talk! i’m always up for making friends!

-vio/viola 

[manofmanyvirtues]

The Pure Truth

This is my fifth acid trip and my most profound.  

July 6 at around 6:20 PM I dropped 450 micrograms of Lysergic Acid Diethylamide, the week prior I had spent time cleansing my mind of anxiety in preparing for this trip by handling things in my life that needed to be handled, such as: cleaning tensions between my ex and myself, telling a few people a few things I've been meaning to, finishing up my online summer school class with most of my baggage off my chest and 4 days off from work.

I was ready to buy 3 tabs good Lucy ,which is the most I've done, today. My dealer Eric met me in my alley which is pretty stereotypical, we made the exchange, I walked inside and put it in my drug box, talked to my family, and had dinner for a few hours before receding into my room for the next 10 hours.

6:20 PM I cleared my head and dropped. We played Fortnite on my PC with my friend Jay. We played for maybe an hour and a half. An hour and I begin to feel the oh so familiar feeling of my teeth and skin, tongue began to crawl with little electric pin pricks around the same time the game began to look more and more realistic and vibrant until it began to look like my character was running in front of my face, off my screen. I was already beginning to be surrounded by the flow of everything in my visual field, I started to have trouble communicating with Jay and playing the game started becoming impossible. I remember specifically glancing down at my hand well I was using the keyboard, I saw my bones move as if my skin was nearly transparent. Everything around me became vibrant began to shimmer. I knew that in was in for a big one. By now I manage to mutter: I'm gonna have to lay down to J, before logging off covering myself with blankets on my bed.  

Around 8:00 PM I put on Grateful Dead Station. Since it’s the middle of summer, the sun had not completely set yet and the low Star cast deep yellowish and orange streaks through my blinds and onto my walls, as I lay there completely invested in the music and still coming up fast, my walls and carpet and blinds began dancing with the music. There were waves on the ceiling and rhythm with the song surrounding my vision. If I were to look closer in anything, I could see every individual particles making up the object for instance. I could see every cell in my hand in every thread of my blankets. I listen to the whole album and then after it finished put on Pink Floyd’s “The Dark Side of the Moon”. I remember half way through the oven my body began to vibrate with the sound. There's no way of articulating this feeling, but the sounds are quite literally a part of my touch, I could feel each individual sound holster my body to accompany it some kind of visual would pop up in front of me.  

Up until this point my psychedelic journey this was as far as I'd ever managed to dose. Far as I ever got. I managed to always dose myself low enough to make my physical being and perception feel completely bizarre and alien but I never managed to go deeper. I think this is far as most people go and... But I knew there was something more to be known. I wanted to go into the places that I heard Terence McKenna and Alan Watts talking about... I never saw The Light, The Profound, The Other, The Unspeakable. On one trip prior I remember feeling the very beginnings of my ego dissolving but nothing more. This trip was different. This overwhelming sense of understanding began to build from the moment I started tripping, so after doing trivial things like watching the walls become great city scapes or watch the ceiling fan melt into the floor, which I've done plenty of on trips prior, I decided that this was still coming on stronger by the minute and I thought my ego begin to dissolve.  

By now it's around 1:30 AM and completely dark outside. Turn off all the lights in my room and put on my headphones, began listening to binaural beats for meditation. Leading up to now I had subconsciously felt that there was some sort of struggle in my mind. My internal voice became frantic, asking questions that I've never asked before, giving answers that made sense in a way I can explain. I felt every part of my life be taken away from me one by one, my ego and everything that I had built for 17 years up until this point begin disappearing. In their place my ego was pure understanding and being. A lost memory of my mother, myself of any of my friends, of anything I ever cared about I became nothing while simultaneously I was everything. I remember feeling my body dissolve into my blanket, then into my bed, then into everyone and everything I've ever known. I become the universe.

I felt all things began to piece by piece decide that this was it - that this is the answer - that this is all I am meant to do is experience simply and in complete balance. I understood that the ultimate state of being is to understand that there's nothing to understand, and up until this point I had tried with everything I had to make sense of things on a daily basis and refused to believe that the answer was so simple. The whole time I was presented with amazing visuals of vast impossible landscapes, as if I was eye with no body. Far off places with tall mountains and planets and multiple places at once, streaks of color I've never seen before. Snakes slithering into each other and plants growing infinitely, spinning constantly changing flowers and list geometry and impossible shapes that don't exist in our reality.  

And I was suddenly cast into an endless corridor of beautifully colored faces (google Alex Grey's art to get an idea of what I'm talking about). The space roared with noise and archetypal symbolism. I saw every religion symbolism from every culture, I saw the father and I saw the mother, I saw the Yin and Yang in the form of 2 clouds of smoke - one white and one black - colliding with each other but never becoming gray. I came face to face with fear and bad intentions personified, I saw all things that drive everything in the universe, I saw the rule book of life. I knew that this presence was the universal consciousness or God or whatever you wanna call it. He was there with me. It showed me the beauty of Roxbury and it's faces and lists of beautiful perfectly symmetrical hallways and faces. I got the sense that these faces were meant to show me that the human form is purposeful. The face is designed by something we don't understand thrust into our physical reality through the evolution of life on Earth. I get the feeling that I am something immensely special.  

Message at this point was to shut up, stop worrying and listen. It showed me that the universe created life of nothing, it showed me that our only purpose is to understand. We look for peace and material and relationships but it never occurs to us how amazing it feels, how amazing it is to feel nothing. Then the trip became slightly sinister and joking with me. They began to play a sad song and were showing me a man in the fetal position searching for relief in our physical world that he finds, that he only finds after death. I was shown this for what seemed like eternity, I remember the words bouncing around: “It's all a joke, this is all a big play can't you see monkey that you have no clue what we are doing?”. At the time I was not at all scared instead in awe and curious as to what was meant by all of this.  

By now in the trip I have little recollection of my physical body, but I remember experiencing this beautiful blissful connection to everything and in the distance of my mind hearing myself cry. I felt my body convulse and cry as I was charged with this pure truth and understanding. I had no more connection to anything in my everyday life instead I am just enveloped by love, by bliss, and simultaneously by hate, by chaos, everything was there -  so nothing was. I realize now that this isn't all a big joke, less more of a big metaphor, the game to become good at.  

You get to choose which you make your purpose in this life. And spend every day working at it or you can minimize from every day it get used to be fed what to do by society. Either way you'll return to nothing so doesn't matter in the end - but it really matters now - now is all we will ever experience in this life. After this  enlightening and completely amazing experience I began piecing my life back together one thing at a time. I looked at old pictures and try to text a few friends to ground myself again.

At 2:45 AM I took 2 sleeping pills and I don't remember much after 3:30 AM. My next memory is waking up at 9:30 trying  to piece together what the the fuck happened last night. I got up, ate some fig newtons, drank a glass of water, and was sober but mind-blown for the rest of the day. It was beautiful and terrifying and completely invaluable to me having integrated this experience for a month and some change. My life has taken on a new meaning. I'm immensely more relaxed and confident in everything I do. The universe has a large of a larger purpose for me so I need to just do my part in the play with the big experiment of life on Earth as best I can. I played much more music since and can feel other musicians music in a way I never have before. It all feels so personal now. I think this trip represents one more huge step towards me becoming the best version of myself. I haven’t tripped since and probably won't for awhile, because this was the single most life changing trip of my life. And at the moment I don't feel the need to heal myself any further.

Credit: This World (Youtube)

[redefiningthirtysomething]

I’m going going, back back to AZ AZ

2 years ago we were living in Phoenix, Arizona. It was the best decision we made for our family and we thought things would be amazing. I am born and raised in Los Angeles, CA but life in LA was too busy, always working, Bella was growing up and life was just to expensive. I was looking for something else, something slower. I was tired of trying to keep up with work, my friends, family,... it all was very overwhelming.

We packed up our SUV and put our LA life away and drove 8 hours with our baby girl (she was 7).

We arrived so excited, ready for our new life, full of expectations. We planned this months in advance, we saved money, we prepared our friends and jobs. We had going away parties and tears. We arrived to our home, a 3 bedroom, hard wood floor, made for us house. We celebrated over drinks on our first night and experienced our first monsoon in our first week, It was spectacular. I had never seen anything like it. After settling in and introducing ourselves to the neighborhood I landed a job at a local hospice and Eli resumed his stay-at-home-dad job during the day and a night job he got at a local facility. I worked 3 days on, 4 days off 12 hour shifts. Bella was going to a great school right across the park, we would literally walk her over, drop her off and have a morning workout, followed by our breakfast, some morning sex and Eli then was off to sleep to be ready for his night job. We were living in a beautiful big home in a quiet neighborhood with a nice yard for Bella, fireplace, we had a cat and a Kitchen island I absolutely loved. My Master bedroom was bigger than the size of our entire LA apartment and my closet space, sigh... why did we ever leave? ... well, here's what happened.

We made plans to live there for life, but we only lasted six months. I got a job a few weeks after we moved in, we were living off of our savings and we were  planning our next career moves. The Job I got was good, but it paid very low and yes, I know that is expected in AZ the wages are less than in CA, what I made in CA was an unreasonable wage in AZ and they clearly told me this during my interview. But I thought, well ok I can figure this out as we go. The bills or the first month were a little outrageous. We moved to AZ in August ... need I say more? It was HOT AF so we had the AC unit on all day and all night long at a cool 71. Although some locals told us how to maintain a low electricity bill during the summer, we had NO IDEA how serious they were and didn't quite listen to their advice! It cant be that bad right ? wow, $600 for a month? A MONTH? That's not even including any of the other bills. that was the electricity ALONE! It knocked me out of my shoes. Ok, so the bills became an issue but we got a handle on it the best we could, but we were definitely in a strict budget.

A few months after we moved in my sister and her GF were having a hard time in LA and we agreed to help them out and let them live with us in AZ, we had an extra room and it would help us with the bills, plus it would be nice to have family around since we still hadn't made any new friends. It was good for a while but turned ugly really quick. I don't like to talk shit about people, but the GF has a nasty attitude and she's just an overall toxic person, I kind of see her as a bully who cried wolf. Awful, awful. Unfortunately my sister doesn't see it and they always think it's everyone else. I mean if she's happy with that, it's on her but like I've said before, leave us out of your negativity. Anyway, things got heated one night, she yelled at my daughter and insulted Eli, and I had to defend my family. After a screaming match, and an almost full on throw down in my kitchen I kicked them out. They moved to Tempe and my sister and I stopped talking. Cause of course, we attacked her, so they say. I have never in my life been in a fight and i'm so non confrontational... but apparently that night big bad me was in attack mode. Such silliness.

At this point, we're broke AF, we have no friends and my sister lives 20 miles away and doesn't talk to us. Ugh, Great start. Seriously the only good part for us about AZ was the happiness Bella had. She made so many friends on our street, she ruled that street basically. This girl was never home, she was always outside riding her bike or her scooter, or playing in someones yard, at the park ... she loved it. Sleep overs at out house, she had her room which we decorated to her style, her own bathroom...she loved it. I cant even begin to explain how good we had it. Bella was in her happy place.  Isn't this what we moved for? We completely lost sight of it. Eli and I were arguing a little bit, we were kind of just annoyed at life and we took it out on each other. Bella was getting stressed out because she hates to see us bicker, she tried to help us make up a few times. We don't like to put that on her, so we would make up, but a week later we were both back to not giving AF. We made things work, but there was a tension.

A little after Christmas we found out I was pregnant, 2 weeks pregnant to be exact and that very same day I found out I was pregnant I received a call from my boss at my old job in LA that they needed me to come back and that they would give me a raise. We looked at each other and it was like a weight lifted off our shoulders, we didn't even think about it before saying yes. We packed our shit and were gone by the weekend. We dipped out SO fast, we like ran back to LA ... what we thought was the best decision. Boy... were we wrong.

We moved in with Eli's parents, we were broke and didn't have money or time to find a new place. I started back at work that upcoming Monday and we had to get situated ASAP. work, yes, work was great. I went back and they started me at a great rate and It was like I never left. I still had my status of 10 years and accumulated my PTO, benefits as if I never left. So grateful that they thought well enough of me to ask me back. Bella went back to her old elementary school and things went back to Normal. Months went by and I'm super pregnant. We decided to stay at his parents house during the pregnancy because I didn't want to add anymore stress.  I have come to realize that I don't like living with other people other than Eli and my girls. People have something to say about something and always give opinions. whatever, I stay at work or in my room most of the time anyway. But, that's not how I wanted to live. Soon after I had Olivia, Elijah went to work so that I can spend time with the baby and bond. 4 weeks in a was stir crazy and made him quit his job and I went back to work. That's his family we live with and I am not comfortable, I don't feel like I can just go make breakfast and lounge around, not that I cant but it's a me thing. I don't like having to tell people where I am going if I'm leaving the house. I have always been very independent and I am easily annoyed when I don't have my freedom. plus, hey we pay rent ... I don't really have to explain my life ... but I cant be rude you know, so I bite my tongue.

We live in a trendy area of LA filled with hipsters, bars and restaurants .... and also very high rent. A 1 bedroom small apartment on the low end will cost you somewhere along 1900 month. jeez. We haven't been able to move out or find a decent price. We almost decided to buy a home but they're at 1 million for a little house. Bella has her room, a small room ... literally half the size of her AZ bedroom and she cant play outside , we live on a busy street and with the mentally ill/homeless that hang around the area doesn't make it safe. So she spends most of here time inside unless we go somewhere. Olive sleeps with us, we co-sleep, we did with Bella too, but soon I am going to have to transition her to her own room, plus she's about ready to crawl but we don't have space! Another thing is things have changed here. I don't see any of my friends, they don't have kids so they're out traveling and brunching. Things that I can't do right now. I haven't seen them at all to be honest, maybe once since I've been back from AZ. Olivia is 8 months now. Management at work changed, we have a new director and things are so different from the company I once knew. My sister eventually moved back to LA and I made peace with them, I wanted to have my sister in my life and things were good until recently. The GF strikes again, but with my mom! that's another story for another day. so, yet again my sister thinks its everyone else, except her GF. Also, I don't have a relationship with my little sister, but we will get into her in another blog.

I am a total mom and my focus is 100% on my kids and my family. I didn't know this until I had them.. obviously. I used to be all about me, going out, working and living my life. everything changed. everything. I live for my kids, I love them so much and my ultimate goal in my life is to make sure they are taken care of. why the fuck did we leave Arizona? Because we had no friends? I want to slap myself sometimes. were we bored? who fucking cares? Bella was happy! We could have made it work. We could have but we ran and took the easy way out. Eli and I sat down one day and we were trying to figure out our next move. we need to grow and make changes to better us as a family. We asked ourselves where is our happy place? where are our kids going to be happy?

The move back to AZ is in July. YES! we are so excited and thrilled. This time we see things differently. this time we know what to expect , we know the summers are harsh and we know the job market, we know that we only have each other out there... and that's OK! I am going to start an online business which I am currently working on. Eli will be the one working and I will stay home with bebe. It's NOT about us anymore. The house is set and ready for us we just gotta pack and go. By the way, we have a family house in AZ. It's my moms and she rents it out, but she lets us (her daughters, family) stay there and it's currently without renters. She knew I would go back. She knows that we have to make sacrifices for our kids sometimes. I don't feel that I am sacrificing this time.

I have faith and we love adventure.

[chakazard]

Where was an intermission and I want my money back

Amanda Palmer is one of those artists, like Henry Rollins and Roger Waters, that I feel oddly protective of. Like every time any one of them are criticized I feel like I have to like them more to make up for it. I mean these are people who are at times, in ways, a lot closer to who I'd like to be than I am. So if people don't like the real thing (and I am aware there are plenty who don't), how could anyone like the cheapest possible imitation of someone else's low-res copy?

I was already going to her performance at the Beacon Theatre tonight when I got word she was doing some kind of meet up beforehand and I thought I would try to make it. So I get changed and head out and pop the album on and wouldn't you know, I get on the Wantagh Parkway as she sang "everyone you love is gonna die" (as I've said before, every song on her new record is a Tear Jerker and that is exactly why I love it) and as that line hit, directly to my left was the corpse of a cat. Of course. Of corpse. Life is both too obvious and in too bad taste to make it successful as fiction. When I got to the train station I realized that, in my rush to get out, I had neglected to bring my wallet. Oops. Thankfully you can buy LIRR tickets online these days and I had my phone. And then I missed the meetup. But at least the baby didn't die? And I ran into someone I know (hi Nico!) on the line into the venue so that eased my mind a bunch. Really enjoyed that the pre show music included Oh Bondage! Up Yours by the X-Ray Spex and by the time Neil Gaiman gave the spoken introduction I was thoroughly Ready To Rock And Also Cry A Lot.

Amanda wasted no time in justifying my affinity for her, talking about how her stepfather would accuse her of banging on the piano and not making real music, and the therapeutic powers of playing loudly and angrily. (I was classically trained but I am very out of practice and low on discipline and attention spans so I mostly just bang loudly and angrily when I do get to play. Maybe explaining why the cat hates it and knocks down all the markers and knick knacks he can find before I can even get to the chorus). Her show was more of a one-woman play interspersed with songs than a rock show and it was, like the album, Extremely My Shit. Theatrical, scripted but in a way to make it sound natural, extremely personal, diving deep into extremely dark emotions and finding the light in them. I thought it was absolutely brilliant and I'm so glad I made it.

From where I was sitting, the audience seemed completely focused on the performance. I closed my eyes during a few songs to focus better on the lyrics. Machete was the highlight for me, even (or especially) when she mixed up the words, and the sound near the end of it that I thought was someone eating popcorn turned out to be a professional camera. Also, Disney songs repurposed to represent abortion and miscarriage for fun and profit?

Between her speeches and songs I kept being brought back to things that have been kicking around my head but haven't had the right moment or the guts to articulate. Excuse me if this is less of a review of her performance (I laughed, I cried, I met up with a friend I hadn't seen in about a decade and braved an Extreme Obstacle Course so I could catch up with her while she smoked during the untitular intermission (Hi Michelle!)) and more of a check in to put that stuff down here and now.

On anger. I was an extremely angry person for many years. I don't know if you become obsessed with Henry Rollins and Roger Waters if you're not. But I get told a lot by people I don't know well that I don't seem like I ever get angry. I guess from the outside being frozen by fear looks a lot like calm peacefulness. Then I'll hear it from family members and I feel like I'm not actually being seen, and maybe that's my fault. How can I deal with expectations I know I will never live up to? I thought a lot about different human connections and missed chances. How I have family members I never got a chance to get close with and if I'd be able to if I tried, and how life will develop now that my family has a new generation. When she talked about grief I thought about my friend who died (I am lucky to only have one) and how I feel like I never really processed it and feel guilty that we lost touch before she checked out. How my best friend has been sick for years and spent months out of the country with little contact and i would get scared if I didn't see her active on spacebook for a few days. How I have friends in the city I would like to have excuses to get in touch with more regularly but probably won't and hope they forgive me, friends who live elsewhere that I hope aren't insulted if i don't visit, friends on the internet I'm still scared would lose interest in me if we ever met in real life and wondering if the fear has subconsciously kept me from trying. When she talked, a few times, about radical compassion and justice and privelage, it made me frustrated that the hardest thing for me to talk about is my political philosophy, which is deeply rooted in the idea that every person deserves respect and compassion (and basic necessities of living) and how silly it seems that I'm afraid to come out and say that, much less act on it, because it might make someone mad at me, or worse, laugh. How there are so many truths that we don't get taught or lied to about or feel like we are forbidden to talk about and I need to start making a real list so I can at least try to pass them on. How impossible it is to write when you are dealing with depression because "you just want to feel pain" which explains why I didn't write for so many years.

A few days ago I said "I can be so very bright if I'm permitted to be made of darkness" and she kept repeating that her job as an artist is to bring people as far into the darkness as they will allow before catapulting them back into the light.

Again, this show probably wasn't for everyone but it was very much for me. So I left with the desire to make more art, even if I'm not sure what form it should take and still have very little self confidence. And support more artists, and try to speak up when I appreciate things more and not assume my opinion won't be well received. I left with a lot I'd like to say. I am honest about how bad I am at taking compliments but I'm afraid I'm even worse at giving them so I don't think I've ever adequately explained how important people are to me. I want to tell people I'd like to see them more often but time and geography and mental stuff get in the way and hope that it's understood. I want to reexamine how many of the bad things I think about myself are just excuses because I'm scared of failure or rejection but trying is the point of life so don't stop trying. So I'm going to keep talking and writing weird stuff and looking for the cracks and inversions where I can find beauty or recognition. My instinct is to say I'm going to be more insufferable, but this is an assumption and not an experience. I find that I get better responses when I do talk honestly about anything and nobody has actually told me that it's insufferable. I get really happy when I see someone else shed their preconcieved imitation skin and inhabit whatever shape resonates with them at the moment. And when people are happy and in their element and it shows, even if that element is not mine. So maybe I don't need to feel like I can't try to do the same for myself. And I feel like I talk about myself too much, especially in a post like this that's supposed to be about someone else's art, but there is literally no other Chaka in the world and if I want to see these ideas expressed then nobody else is going to do it and what have I always felt like I was breaking a ton of rules for trying to do that?

I took a Lyft back to Penn Station because you can use PayPal for those and am now looking forward to next week's entry in my bluntly honest confessional would-make-some-uncomfortable Rock n Roll tour with Fat Mike as Cokie the Clown, which I need to keep typing so my phone stops trying to autocorrect to Cookie.

In conclusion, thank you Amanda Palmer for your amazing performance and not only because it made me do my favorite thing and get introspective and over emotional.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #201

“one for all, all for one. we are strong, we are one. we are one nemesis.”

Do you feel pressure to keep your life interesting? It's not interesting at all, so. I'd sure as hell like it to be. At what time in your life were you happiest? If it was in the past, would you want to go back and relive it, though still knowing all the things you know now? Like... early-mid-'17, maybe? That's when my recovering really kicked off. I wouldn't go back. Is there anyone who seems to always be under the influence of something when you see them or talk to them? Does it bug you? No. Have you ever found the blog of someone you knew in real life, but not very well? How did it change your opinions on them? No. Then again I've never tried to. What is something you are incredibly behind on? Politics. I'm more importantly (to me, lmao) half a year behind on Good Mythical Morning, believe that or not. I don't watch TV anymore so don't really care, but I'm massive seasons behind on Supernatural. What’s the last allergic reaction you had? Shit, right now with this seasonal business. I've been congested for weeks. What does it mean when you start eating less? What does it mean when you start eating more? If I eat less than usual, it'll always relate to weight loss, I assure you. I've worked to greatly improve on the latter, however; eating more generally means I'm extremely depressed. Or bored, but I've got enough discipline by now to not eat if I'm not hungry. Is there anything you feel the need to organize by chart? No. What’s your opinion on mid-day naps? Go for it, it's good for you anyway. When’s the last time you spontaneously made plans? With who/to do what? Who knows; I don't have people to spontaneously make plans with. What’s the strangest named pet you’ve ever had? Probably Harry Potter the guinea pig. Or the fact I had a Chinese water dragon, green lizards, named Shadow. Okay look he was my second pet and I was little. What are some defense mechanisms you find yourself using when in an argument with someone? It's very likely I'll try to be totally factual and short without true thought as a fear reaction of losing the person, while on the inside I can be in a total panic attack. Do you know if there is anyone who was once important to you that you will never talk to again, even though you could? I absolutely will not speak to my former best friend unless completely necessary for whatever reason. Do you and your boyfriend or girlfriend fight a lot? Not at all. Have your parents ever told you that you couldn’t hang out with a certain someone? No. Have you ever cleaned up someone else’s vomit? I. Absolutely. NEVER will. I will absolutely hurl. Does your boyfriend or girlfriend get mad/jealous when you talk about the opposite sex? Nope. What was the last R-rated movie you watched? Halloween, I believe. Have you ever painted a car? No. Are there any gnomes in your yard? No. I've never understood the appeal of them at all... Do you have a funny last name? Does anyone make fun of it? No. Are the blankets that are on your bed now made by someone you know in life? No. Have you ever been pulled over by the cops for speeding? No. Have you ever met someone in person that you met online? Sara! There're others I hope to one day, too. Have you got any half or step siblings? Four halves, one step. Do you like kids’ movies? Not tiny kids (like, Barney and such type of things), but "kid movies" like Disney and such, hell yeah. Have you ever been kicked out of somewhere? No. If you have younger siblings, how old were you when your siblings were born? I was just over two years old. Do you sometimes use your music player to help you fall asleep? No. I did that in... I think middle school and some of high school, though. I have NO idea how I used to be able to do that. The last time you burned your tongue or mouth, what were you eating? I'm not sure. Are there a lot of trees in your yard? Not in the yard, no. There's a good number just beyond our fence, though. What was the high and low temperature where you live today? Phone says 31*F and 50*F. Have you ever made ice cream out of snow? Snow cream, yeah. That's a common southern treat when it actually snows. What’s the coldest you remember ever walking outside in? Maybe single digits? What’s your least favorite color? Puke green. Or maybe bright yellow (pastel is pretty). …and your favorite? Pink. What’s your second favorite color? Maroon or burgundy. How many pairs of gloves do you wear in the winter? Usually zero. What’s one thing that most people complain about that you love? COLD WEATHER. What do you remember the most about recess at school when you were a kid? Oh boy... when my meerkat obsession began, I unintentionally started a trend of digging "burrows" with others in the sandbox. Our nails by the time we were done, holy shit. I LOVED doing it. What color are your kitchen chairs? A mess of beige hues with floral stuff on it, I think? I just know they're hideous and we all hate them. I don't really pay any attention to what the cushions really look like, though. Have you ever dated anybody online? *points to Sara* Do you listen to instrumental bands such as Hammock, Trentemoller, etc.? Nah. Were you ever a 'secret admirer’ before? No. Ever stalked someone? No. Do you poke a lot of people on Facebook? Is this even a thing still? But I didn't, no. What was even the point. What’s the farthest you’ve ever been from home? Illinois. Have you ever been close to getting kidnapped? Oh um no. Never seen this one on a survey before. Do you have any eating disorders? No, thank god. Do you plan on getting married? I hope so. What is one of the saddest novels you’ve ever read in your lifetime? First thing that came to mind was The Giver. I'm sure there's others on par with or sadder than it, but it's just the first that came to me. Orbit or 5 gum? I think I prefer 5? Ever had a friend online for a long time without seeing a photo of them? Many. The last time you threw up, what caused it? An ex-med I was on that had a strong side-effect of vomiting. Quit that. Did you have any foreign exchange students at your high school? Maybe? Idk. Any foods from other countries you would like to try but haven’t yet? I'm sure there's something somewhere, but nothing that comes to mind. Do you think the world would be more peaceful without any religion? I think that's fact... I'm not saying religion itself is bad, no, but I think everyone can agree there'd be more peace without it. Have you kept the same icon here for a long time? Yeah; I don't take nearly enough pictures to have a new one, though I wanna change it because WOW do I look like a bitch. Why did you choose your icon, anyway? I thought the picture itself was decent, and it let my inner goth pop out a bit. If only I had the wardrobe and dedication. Any fun facts (on any topic) you’d like to share? Well here's your meerkat one: Meerkats are the second-most social animals on Earth, falling just behind naked mole rats. Does it hurt your feelings when people talk shit about things you love? "Hurt my feelings" isn't the right word; I feel embarrassed. Do you like it when people give you nicknames? Yeah, actually. Even just calling me "Britt" makes me feel like we're closer or something. More personal ones though, I really like. When you make friends, are you usually the one to "make the first move"? Definitely not. What fandoms are you in? Like, A LOT, but actively, Markiplier, a few other YouTubers, Silent Hill, Shadow of the Colossus, World of Warcraft, and meerkats. Maybe more, idk. I lose count. I would say Spyro, but I'm totally uninvolved in some areas of it, like Skylanders. Are there any fandoms you used to be in, but left? I wouldn't say left, just lost a considerable amount of interest, like Good Mythical Morning and  PewDiePie. Used to watch every day, and now both are seldom. Do you more often feel superior or inferior to others? Inferior. Do you prefer ruffly or regular potato chips? Ruffled, definitely. Can you do any impressions? Not of a specific person. Do you carry pepper spray? Have you ever had to use it? No. Best thing to do during a power outage? Play a horror game as my laptop's battery dies lmao. At night, anyway. During the day, idk. Has your power ever gone out for more than a day? I don't believe so. When was the last time you had a headache? What about stomachache? Headache, I believe once when Sara was here early this month. Stomachache, not that long ago. Which one of your classes goes by the slowest? N/A The last time you walked somewhere, who were you with? Probably at Sara's down the path. Maybe something later, but idr. Where is your second home? Sara's is the second house I'm most comfortable in besides my own. Or maybe Dad's, idk. What did you last have a conversation with one of your siblings about? Idr. Do you have the person you hate the most on Facebook? No. How many times did you clean out your text inbox today? I don't clean it out. Well, I have once or twice while trying to make space on my phone. What’s something you would do drunk but never do sober? I have a feeling I'd be way more open than I'd like. Have you ever had a night that’s been hands down the best night of your life? If so, describe what happened? I'm not sure. What time do your parents normally get home from work? Dad, idk. I don't live with him. Mom, it varies greatly, but typically 8:30ish. Is family the most important thing in your life? If not, what is? My definition of family (only includes people who I feel are emotionally family), yes. Or my mental health. Is writing something that you enjoy doing? Ha ha obviously. —would you rather read or write? Write. Would you rather draw or take photographs? Take photos. Do you prefer black and white or color photographs? Why? I can't pick a side; changes in color can seriously alter the emotions of the shot, making neither superior to the other imo. Both are beautiful, some moreso than others, depending on the composition. What was the last thoughtless thing you did? I'm not sure. What is one movie you’ve seen, but few others have? A lot of "idk" in this one. Off the top of my head, the kids movie Napoleon wasn't popular in America, I think? —how about a movie you haven’t seen, but many others have? The entire Harry Potter series. What is something you do subconsciously? Play with my lip ring. Who was the last person to toy with your emotions? *shrugs* When was the last time you cheated at something? I have no clue. what’s the most money you’ve received from the ‘tooth fairy’? I think $5? Describe the main problem with your last relationship? I didn't like him in that way. When was the last time you debated with someone? Some time ago with Sara about a political view. And mind you it was a friendly debate, not an argument as apparently all are nowadays. What cartoon/anime character can you most relate to? There's too many characters to think through. Do you have any pictures of celebs saved to your computer? Leave me and my Mark icons-in-the-making alone. Do you have your own personal water jug? If so, where did you buy it? No. How do you get rid of your hiccups? Nothing works for me. When you sneeze, do you sneeze into your hand or the inside of your elbow? Elbow. What actor/actress do you find weird? Lol I'm not to judge there. What’s your ultimate favorite bagel? Just a normal one with a moderate amount of cream cheese. Do you have a blister anywhere on your body? No. Do you get manicures/pedicures regularly? I never do. When was the last time you saw the person you had your first kiss with? February '17. What was the most severe punishment your parents gave you when you were growing up? She'd spank me and/or say I was grounded for a week, which always only lasted like a couple days or so. What’s something you’re really bad at compared to others? Like, any kind of math. Who is the person you are the closest to? (emotionally, not physically) Mom or Sara in different ways. What are some odd habits you have relating to food/eating? I'm picky as fuck with texture. I'm particular with food in general. Last furry thing you touched: My kitty. <3 What do you check out first when you check someone out? I've never really paid attention... I mean, it probably depends on the person, what catches my attention most? Have you ever kissed someone in a band? No. Would you raise your children like your parents raised you? In some ways, in other ways no. Has someone ever made you a Build-A-Bear? No. Are you donating your organs? Yup. Did your mom or dad ever put soap in your mouth? No, but Mom threatened it. Have you ever dated someone with more piercings than you? No. Who was the last person you spent more than 15 minutes on the phone with? My dad. Have you been swimming in the last six months? How long ago was the beach trip... idr. Maybe. What hair color looks best on you and what’s your natural color? From what I've had so far, I love red on me. My natural color is brown. What is your favorite show to watch? That '70s Show is something you can always put on and I'll pay attention. Like, I'm never /not/ in the mood to watch it if I have to watch TV for whatever reason. Do you wear necklaces? Rarely. Do you blush easily? Yup. ;-; Are you an artist/writer? Not professionally, but I do both. Are you in love? If so, does the one you love know? Yes and yes. Are your maternal/parental instincts strong? With kids, not at all. At all. Instead, I have them big time in serious, romantic relationships; I have the biggest "PROTECT PROTECT TAKE CARE FOR THEM AND PROTECT AT ALL COSTS" instinct. ACTUAL mama bear. Is there someone in your life whose career/life choices you find immoral/unethical? Have you ever told that person your views? Do you find it difficult to support them (emotionally or otherwise) because of their choices? Does anyone not have this kind of person in their life? Anyway, I've maybe said so casually and gently where it was relevant, but I'm not positive. Of course it's hard to support them, and sometimes I simply can't, ex. with my former best friend. What trait do you feel you lack that you wish you possessed? INDEPENDENCE. I'm borderline on the diagnoses of dependent personality disorder with how I have a very difficult time making my own choices and doing lots of things on my own; it's a serious problem with my mom, and I worry how I'll be when I no longer live with her, really. Like, she still schedules my appointments, makes some serious phone calls I'm scared doing myself (but sometimes she can't with me being an adult), she handles just... a lot. Have you ever considered writing your memoirs? No. Do you find it difficult to stay invested in online relationships? Not at all, romantic or platonic! My online buds mean just as much, some even more, than my "real life" ones. Are you the type of person who pays close attention to the release dates of movies, music, etc., and will, for example, go see a movie or buy an album on the date it is released? If so, when is the last time you did so? Not on a lot, but for things I'm really hyped for, particularly games and music, yeah. For the second part of the question, yes. I did that for WoW's Warlords of Draenor expansion, and maybe Legion? Idr tho because I was nervous asking my mom. I also think I mighta seen the Warcraft movie the day it came out, but I'm also uncertain. Have you ever been in trouble for illegally downloading something? No. Do you have any stickers on your laptop? No. Would you rather have a job for which you had to go in early in the morning or one you had to stay late into the evening at? Early, defs. Whenever I work, I'm certainly aiming for a morning shift. Get it over with, and plus, I'm in a better mood in the mornings, so it'd be easier to get work done; plus, getting out of the house is a good way for me to come home and actually feel like I got my dose of social interaction for the day, so now I can enjoy the rest of the day. Is there someone who seems to only reach out to you when they want something from you? No; I don't tolerate that shit. Do movies often make you cry? What kind of films/scenes make you tear up most? Yeah. Tragic romantic things get me easily, and seeing someone die and another character lose it over their death kills me. Happy reunions are tear-jerkers, too. I would probably still cry at the end of Homeward Bound. How did your expectations of the last book you read compare to your thoughts after reading it? What about your expectations of the last movie you watched? The original Alice In Wonderland was a book I was surprised to be that short, and it wasn't really as "out there" as I'd expected. I still enjoyed it, though. Last movie... that was Elf. I didn't anticipate it being as damn cute and funny as it was. Do you use any apps to track your health or medications? Just to track my period. Whose opinions/recommendations do you value most? Sara's. If you could’ve been at any historical event, which would you have liked to witness firsthand? Perhaps the first Thanksgiving? OH, but I would without a doubt choose the extinction of the dinosaurs if I was somehow entirely protected. That had to be, sad as it is, visually incredible. Is there something that you really want to do but are afraid of doing? If so, why are you afraid of doing it? Rollercoasters; I'm terrified of vomiting, however, and also fainting with how I handle dizziness. What is something society “expects” you to do that you don’t want to do and/or don’t plan on doing? Don't expect me to dress up all fancy going to an expensive restaurant or something. I'm going to eat, I'm not worried about my damn clothing. But more than anything, I absolutely refuse to let a job hold me back from getting tatted or pierced. I'm perfectly aware that really slims down my options, but I sincerely couldn't care less. I'm not bending to one of the most ludicrous expectations I know of. Are you interested in architecture? Is there any particular style that you’re drawn to? Yeah! I ADORE gothic especially, and Roman, too. What’s the most stalker-like/creepy thing you’ve ever done? If you don’t think you’ve done anything like that, what’s the most stalker-like thing someone’s done to you? Lol I should really have an answer for this, considering the breakup... I don't believe I did anything "stalker-ish," maybe not even creepy, just rude and nosy. Sorry for trying (but thankfully failing) to hack your Facebook to see if you were talking to a girl some time early into the breakup, Jason. ;_; Reeeaaally regret that. What is something you can only understand if you’ve experienced it first hand? Pure heartbreak. It is absolutely, utterly agonizing. Are you more of an open person or a private person when it comes to talking about personal things? (Relationships, your sex life, finances, etc.) It depends on the subject, but usually, I am very private, particularly irl. I'm more open online by a long shot. Do you agree or disagree with the saying “If two former lovers can remain friends, either they were never in love, or still are.”? Why or why not? That's bullshit. People change, and you can lose romantic interest. What’s a part of yourself, physically, that you’re unhappy with? (Hair, face, skin, body part, etc.) Is it something you’re able to change or something you’re stuck with? Uh, pretty much everything because of weight? I can change that and am trying so hard to, but I've been at a stagnant weight for over a damn year, and I can't even begin to wonder how. It dropped like flies in '17. Do you think it’s a double standard that a woman can hit a man and expect to get away with it, but if a man hits a woman it’s assault? DOUBLE. FUCKING. STANDARD. Fight the hell back to protect yourself. In terms of a wedding, put these things in order from what would be MOST important to be perfect, to LEAST important… Engagement ring, dress, hair, venue, ceremony, food, pictures, decorations, honeymoon. Ceremony, pictures, honeymoon, dress, venue, hair, ring or decorations, food. Do you have a go-to small talk conversation topic? Asking how they've been. Does anyone owe you money? Do you owe anyone money? (Besides credit cards) No. Well, I owe my previous college money, anyway. Even though I shouldn't, so Mom's trying to take legal action with that and their shitty communication. If someone was going to buy you any practical gift (anything except a house or car), what would you choose? A sum of money for a big 'ole tattoo, boys. Is there a quote that’s helped you through hard times or really stuck with you? What is it? "You're perfectly flawed" from an Otep song. I have that tattooed for a reason. Then there's countless ones from my partial hospitalization, but "Deal with life, or life deals with you" particularly will stick out to me probably forever. There's loads more. What’s something practical and useful “real world” things that should be taught in high school aside from the basics like English, math, science, etc.? CHRIST, why the FUCK do we not have classes teaching us how to handle the adult life with things like finances. What are some things that a person or couple could do that would show they’re insecure about themselves or their relationship? More than anything probably, go through their phone. ACTUALLY fuck off. Do you have sympathy for people who die as a result of their own actions? (Example: someone doesn’t wear a helmet when they ride their motorcycle and they get in an accident and die.) Well of course; a human being still died, and maybe it's even sadder when it was in their own hands. It's disappointing, but you should of course feel sympathy. What’s your favorite old Disney movie and favorite new Disney movie? Old, The Lion King. New, there's SO many to choose from, so I can't give a certain answer, but possibly Coco. I adored that movie. Name something “trendy” or popular that you dislike. I don't pay attention to what's trendy, really. Idk. Oh wait, is that "Kiki Do You Love Me?" or whatever that trash is called still around? There’s a quote that says “Anyone who gave you confidence, you owe them a lot.” Is there a person who YOU can thank for your confidence? Hm... I'm not sure about this quote. But anyway, I don't even have confidence to begin with. “Dirty talk” in the bedroom…love it, like it, don’t care, dislike it, or hate it? Usually like, particularly if we're being extremely passionate. I'm suuuuper shy delivering it, though. Hell, I get flustered hearing it towards me sometimes, too. What is/are your favorite type(s) of ethnic food, and what’s your favorite food within that type? American. Favorite... I think cheeseburgers. Would you be more hurt by your significant other having a long drawn out emotional affair but never having sex with that person OR a long drawn out physical affair where it was just lots of sex and no (or few) emotions attached? The first, my reasoning being for them to be emotionally invested in another person says more about how much they "love" me versus the latter option. I dunno... the second is awful, too. Tough question to answer. Say one positive thing and one negative thing about your boss (or any other authority figure). I'll pick my mom. Positive: Her support is never-ending. Negative: She's "always right." How would you describe your relationship with your hair over the years? I've grown more and more comfortable with it as I've grown bolder with cutting it. How do you practice truly living in the moment? I'm bad at this... Do you think most abusers know they’re being abusive? Probably, especially if it's physical. How do you feel about your SO daily/regularly checking up on a couple of his exes on social media? That'd be pretty suspicious, but then again, I can't really talk? One of my best friends/my ex is still a very good friend of mine, and we talk every now and again with no romantic interest (at least on my end; idk if he still like-likes me). That being said, I don't know how I'd feel, especially if it was daily. I do know I'd be less anxious if our relationship was strong and steady. What perfume of yours does your SO love on you? She doesn't like perfume, and I almost never wear it anyway. Have you made any (at least semi-) permanent alterations to your appearance? If so, how did you find the experience and do you regret it? Tattoos, there's a visible hole where my first lip ring was, and the holes in my left earlobe have been seriously stretched (it goes to literally the bottom of my lobe) from heavy earrings for a long time. No clue how the right side is totally fine. Anyway, the only tattoo I regret is my "ohana" one, as it doesn't really suit me; I don't give a damn if you're blood, I choose my "real" family, but even then, people change. I know I'll get it covered at some point; right now I'm considering a bat tat on my chest with its wings expanded at some point, and it may conceal it, but it's not high on my to-do list. I love my "how rare and beautiful it is to exist," although I wish I'd made a more unique design of it instead of stealing it from Pinterest... ha ha. I don't want tattoos others have; I want mine to stand out. I also wish I'd chosen an even more professional artist to do my Markiplier piece, but I plan on going to a better parlor when I can afford it to get my vision "right." It's probably the most important tattoo I'll ever have, so I want it perfect in my eyes. My artist didn't do bad, not at all, it just came out with a less convincing-galaxy background. It'll be an easy fix with the right artist. Onto the lip ring, I regret deliberately wanting it slightly to the left and not dead-center through my lip. I have no idea why I wanted it there? You can still see the faint hole when I pull my lips back, which I hate. Lastly, I just HATE the appearance of stretched-out earlobes. I don't even wear earrings anymore with how they look like there's about to just fall off. Women with disabilities/anxiety/depression/other mental health issues/chronic illnesses, how do you get it across to your SO/friends that sometimes you just can’t do something? Why specifically women? But anyway, sometimes it's just impossible. I don't think anyone can really "get it" until you have a breakdown/accident or whatever in front of them. Do you prefer your guy to wear cologne or not? I like the smell of light cologne. Ladies, how important is it to you that your SO wears/would wear a wedding ring? I suppose it'd be concerning if they just didn't want to, but like if it doesn't fit or anything, of course don't try to wear it. What was the turning point that led you to decide for or against having children? First, I took a look at my mental health and capabilities and chose I would NOT be a good, healthy mother able to raise them. Also, aforementioned maternal instinct lacking. As well, I don't want to invest years into a person that might just wind up hating me. And super importantly, my alone time is extremely important, and thaaat's pretty impossible with kids. They're expensive. Peace and quiet, bye. Pressure to ensure they grow up to be a good, independent person. Yeah, there's lots of reasons I can confidently say no, I don't want kids. How do you feel about men who preface statements on non-gendered things with “as a guy”? *shrugs* It depends, I guess. Does anyone else just HAVE to wear pajamas/lounge clothes when you’re at home? I live in my pjs. Is having your “dream” wedding really that important to have? No. What would your reaction be if your SO wanted the opposite type of wedding than you did? Just compromise. Who says things have to match a theme. What kind if body type do you find attractive and unattractive (for your preferred sex)? Let's get this straight first: I don't care about appearances. But of course, that doesn't mean I don't have preferences. For girls, I'm really attracted to curvy women at a healthy weight. Men, I like just a tad bit muscular, but noooot very much. How do you feel about strangers approaching you with compliments? I'm flattered, but I will definitely get anxious, especially if it's a man. I'm more terrified than anxious if they do that. Do you consider it cheating if your SO goes to a strip club and then doesn’t tell you? Hm, not really cheating. I'd be preeeetty unhappy if my s/o did that and kept it a secret, but I'm not quite sure how I'd react to knowing they went to a strip club. I think most likely I'd just feel like I wasn't enough and cry. Maybe I'd be fine with it if they asked me beforehand how I felt and I had their word they wouldn't "do anything." Like it's simple fact that you can be in a relationship and still find others attractive, so I guess if you just wanna go out for once and I feel you're genuine when telling me you'll behave, it's not too big a deal? But I'm still not sure. Would you be more offended if your man cheated on you with a guy or a girl? I'll just pretend you said "your partner." Both would upset the hell out of me, but I think doing it with the opposite gender would most hurt me, especially because you're taking a risk of someone getting pregnant. Is there something you are afraid, embarrassed, or ashamed to tell someone? That I love/play World of Warcraft, lmao. Admitting I'm an RPer would be even worse. DON'T ask what my worst weight was. The Joel thing. There's probably loads more. Are you struggling in any way right now?  Oh, of course. When was the last time you made a REALLY stupid decision? Oh boy. Really bad... HA, actually, probably this one time I drank a milkshake too fast, and my stomach still hasn't forgiven me. Do you put candy canes on your Christmas tree? Sometimes. Have you ever written/drawn/painted random stuff on your bedroom wall? No. What do you currently hear? "Professional Griefers" by deadmau5 ft. Gerard Way. What’s your favorite flavor of Doritos? Cool ranch. Who was the last person to hold your hand? Sara. Do you have any clothing with animal print on it? No. Have you ever seen a hippo in person? I don't believe we have any at our zoo, no. What’s something you do too much? Sit here. In the bed. On my laptop. Fun. How often do you have nightmares? Rarely. What was the last thing you downloaded on your computer? A game on Steam. I can't remember which. Honestly, are you spoiled? I don't think so, at least not much. Is there anyone’s laugh that makes you laugh when you hear it? Mark's. Have you ever parked in a handicapped spot when you weren’t supposed to? I will lose all respect for you if you pull that shit. Do you have a tan yet? It's winter, and I don't tan anyway. Have you ever been told you have a bad attitude? I think my grandmother did once on the same occasion she called me a bitch. Do you make other people laugh often? I don't think so, no. What are some things you want out of life? Satisfaction with all I've done and experienced, more than anything. Do you feel bored with your life? Boy, do I. Who’s someone you miss that you haven’t talked to in years? Megan. Do you miss anyone who was mean to you in the past? No. What’s the most weight you’ve ever gained from a medication? No. No. No. Nope. Not answering. Stay the actual fuck away from Abilify. How do you get through hard times? Talking with/venting to Sara and/or Mom, watch my favorite YouTubers, listen to (usually relatable) music, and just remind myself if I survived '16, I can persist through just about anything. Rarely, I draw some vent art. Have you ever been suicidal? Yes. Do you pray? If yes, to whom? No. I don't believe it has any power, even with me believing in some kind of ultimate creator. What do you miss about high school? Friends. What do you miss the most about college? I was in a very bad mental state through both attempts, so I miss nothing. Did you like high school? I've hated school since I was in pre-k, dude. Have you ever been the victim of a crime? I don't think so? Is your life worse than you could have ever have imagined it to be? or is it better, or just what you expected? Worse. I mean it's not awful, but I expected muuuuch more by this point... What was the last good book you read about? Arthas' rise to the Lich King, and it hurt me okay I still wanna press charges against Christie Golden. What’s the last great song you discovered? "Natural Born Sinner" by In This Moment. Do you feel free to post how you feel on Facebook? Nope. I pretty much never post about myself because I'm too afraid of saying something stupid "in front of" all the people I call friends. AvPD is a blessing. What is the most beautiful landscape you have ever seen? Mountains. Who were your favorite celebrities as a child? Steve Irwin was everything to me. I also loved Jesse McCartney and the Backstreet Boys. Oh, Jeff Corwin, too. What do you miss the most about your past? No mental illnesses. .-. Do you like getting older? At my current age, I don't really care... What hard thing are you going through right now, if applicable? The biggest thing currently is practically being chained to my house. I'm home alone almost everyday and usually all day, so day after day I'm just. Sitting here in this house by myself. Even as an introvert, it's gotten to a serious severity of loneliness and maddening boredom. I'm just gonna stop here before answering this any further ruins my day. Do you prefer slow songs or fast songs? Generally, more towards the fast side. Have you made any progress toward going after your dreams? Yeah, just teeny-tiny baby steps, sadly. What color is your trash can? Like, the big one you put on the side of the road for the dumpster? Dark green. What color is your dresser? Brown. Do you own a computer? If yes, is it a desktop or laptop? Yeah; laptop. How old were you when you first got a cell phone? I dunno, maybe the start of middle school? Do you like pineapple on pizza? You are a certified psychopath if you think that tastes good. No. What medication or drug has given you the worst withdrawals? I'm not sure. I've been on waaaaaaay too goddamn many to remember.

[1000000dreams]

My Testimony (part 2 of 2)

If you don’t already know how I came to Christ, you can read that journey here. I made the choice to come out at my church fellowship, and I couldn’t have asked for a better coming out. I was a gay Christian who was following the path to celibacy. But my return to my hometown brought me a new challenge to face.

OUT OF THE CLOSET - How I became visible

Moving back in with my parents wasn’t easy. We had more of the same arguments, and I felt caught between my family and my faith. Eventually, this dispute went from deep contention to deep respect. From the shadows of disputation came the dawn of honesty. What I thought was a terrible experience with my family turned out to be the very thing that would bring us closer together.

This winter, I decided to buy a ticket to the annual Gay Christian Network conference. This year it was in Denver, CO. I heard about it through a straight ally, and I’ve always wanted to know more about the organization. I was not prepared for what God had in store for me.

Aside from finally being in a space where I don’t feel out of place, and meeting online friends in real life, and feeling instantly connected with people who are from completely different cultures,...there were 3 takeaway points I got from GCN:

1. There are parts of my identity I never noticed were there.

I noticed this when I was around other Side B folks, especially the ones who were more out than me and happened to be more flamboyant than me. I noticed myself being comfortable expressing my - for a lack of a better term - “femininity.” It was shocking to me how comfortable I felt expressing this side of me. It was like flapping a pair of wings I didn’t know I had. Was I suppressing my “gay” side my whole life? What else was hiding inside of me that was afraid to see the light?

2. Side A people aren’t bad Christians. 

I’ve been told my whole Christian life that Side A people were twisting or watering down the Bible, treading dangerous waters, living a life of lies, or just straight up not Christians. This negative picture of them caused me to cling to what I thought was the only way, which is to believe that God had called all gay Christians to celibacy. I especially cling since I still sometimes believe and act like I’m a new Christian. I could finally sit down and talk to Side A Christians face-to-face and hear from their perspectives what God was revealing to them.

3. Side A and Side B are not opposites.

These two camps were polarized by my peers. I’ve been told they “can’t both be right” and that they are on opposite sides. There is actually a lot the two sides have in common. The most important one is that we both want to help our churches understand and nourish us. Rather than argue theology, we should unite in helping our churches succeed, and we can learn from one another in the process. I also got to meet a few Side A folks that used to be Side B, and what that journey was like.

I could write several blog posts of how God used GCN (now called Q Christian Fellowship or QCF) for me. But in summary, this conference made me a beautiful picture of what the kingdom of God was like, and how I could be a part of that as a gay man. You can imagine the huge contrast I noticed coming back home.

I’ve been attending a large 1000+ congregation church ever since I moved back to my hometown. And even though I had been there for 2 years, I had not met a single other LGBT person that attends it. Realizing my lack of an LGBT network, I decided to seek non-religious LGBT friends for the first time. In doing so, after being out of the closet for 5 years, I could finally accept myself as part of the LGBT community. I came out on Facebook because I realized how many churches lacked an LGBT voice. I could finally let my Christian and non-Christian friends know that gay Christians exist and we have something to say.

OUT OF THE DARK - How God became visible to me through a new lens.

I was still feeling uncomfortable about my feelings. Was I supposed to live my life having crushes on men all the time and then just do NOTHING about it? To help me make logical sense of myself, I took the bold step to download a dating app for the first time in my life. Although it was exhilarating at first, I eventually realized the downsides to online dating and reeled it back to just passively looking. There were still a lot of questions I needed answers to.

I read books by Kathy Baldock and Justin Lee, and I was listening to countless episodes of the Queerology podcast. I was having conversations with LGBT Christians online, and I found a local LGBT bible study group. I was (and always was) an information sponge.

I got to a point in which I realized how Side A Christians seemed no different from the rest. They wanted to live life in honor of Christ, they want to center their relationships around His word, they make great parents, and they even seek out premarital counseling just like a straight Christian couple would. I got to a point where I was uncomfortable believing that God’s call to celibacy applied to EVERY LGBT person. 

I started to become bitter at my lack of LGBT exposure in my adulthood. It was even more evident when I realized I had only gone to heterosexual Christian weddings for the last 8 or so years of my life. What was marriage? What defined a Christian marriage if I had never gone to a secular one? What defined marriage if I had never gone to a homosexual one? 

God answered my last question in a humorous way. I got to finally “attend” my first same-sex wedding by watching two female characters in a TV show propose and marry. I watched that episode with a queer friend of mine. “Why do you still believe what you believe, Derek?,” they asked me. “I feel like I’ve been supportive most of your life, and your parents have been supportive most of your life. So why do you still believe what you believe?” I summarized to them Side B theology and explained I was still in between B and A. It challenged me and made me do a lot of thinking.

I had the opportunity to attend my first ever affirming church - although it was only 5 people and we met in the back of a restaurant. The pastor was really wise, and they had been in the gay church for decades. I really saw a deep care for people like me. A respect for seeking God in a way that only LGBT people can seek Him. As I drove my friend home from that church, I couldn’t help but be excited. I was excited to meet more people like that and have more conversations with them. My friend looked over at me and said something that really stuck with me.

“Derek, it’s great that you want to meet all these people and talk with them. But you can’t have them decide for you what to believe. Only you can decide what you believe.”

I nodded and kept driving, but they were right. I needed to make this a personal decision.

That night, I couldn’t shake the feeling that God was trying to tell me something. I went outside to the pool area in my apartment complex and lied down on one of the orange lounge chairs. The only light that was illuminating the dark, star-less sky was a single lamp post and the blue glow from the water. I decided to call up a friend. 

I wasn’t sure what God wanted me to do, so I just prayed with them on the phone. I began praying about how God made me and how I enjoyed the Earth he put me on. I prayed how diverse he made us yet how we couldn’t live up to His perfection. And then I realized the other beautiful thing He gave me. The power of choice.

By this time, my words could no longer be comprehensible over the tears and the sounds coming from my heart. My friend finished the prayer and thanked me for letting them into this experience. They ended the call. I cried for another 19 minutes. I couldn’t move my fingers. I couldn’t get up off the lounge chair. My body was aching with whatever was transforming me at the moment. But I was extremely emotional because I realized the power of choice.

God gave me the choice to believe in Him or not to believe in Him back in my freshman year of college.

God gave me the choice to come out or not to come out when I was about to graduate.

God gave me the choice to stay at my old church or move across California to live back with my parents.

And finally, God gave me to the choice to believe in Side A or in Side B.

What was preventing me from choosing Side A? That I would lose community. That I would lose all the people who had supported me when I was choosing Side B. That some of my churches would look at me with shame if I started dating another man. That some of my friends would not attend my wedding if I decided to marry that man. 

But you know what? God’s love is greater than that. God’s love is greater than my friends’ love for me. Instead of fearing what I would lose, I could hope for what I could gain. I could gain a more beautiful and authentic life. A life in which I no longer felt like I was cursed, but a life in which I was blessed. The beauty of God’s LGBT children was extremely evident in that moment, and transcended all of the fear I had of my non-affirming friends’ judgments. So I guess you could say that’s when I became Side A.

Since then, I have remained a huge ally to the Side B community, and I have received love from every person that I came out to as Side A. I hope to follow God and explore what it means to be a gay Christian, and I hope that anyone who reads this will be inspired to learn more about people like me while living their own authentic lives. I hope to have continual conversations around this topic, and I hope to humbly learn from those who have different opinions and beliefs than me. Thank you for reading, and I hope we can all bring peace to this complex life we all live <3